Sunday, December 11, 2011

I have enormous amounts of homework and studying I should be doing in preparation for finals, but sometimes you just need to rest and take your mind off of things.  It has been quite some time since my last post and a lot of things have happened.  Nothing terribly exciting but one you all might find interesting.

Thing #1
One of my best friends just up and asked me if I was gay, I told her yes and then quickly told one of my other best friends who happens to be her best friend.  I did this because I knew they would talk and I thought she should hear it from me.  I'll be honest, that day sucked, and the day after that.  I had never felt like such a failure.  Failure at life, failure at church, failure at school etc.  Now two of my friends who thought of me as an upstanding church goer now have their perception forever tainted.  I know they'll still love me and all that jazz, but now anything I do will have a annotation that says "gay." That was several weeks ago.  I'm over the initial shock of the ordeal, but I can't talk to either of them the same yet.  I hope one day that changes.

Thing #2
I've also met a few more gay guys.  One of my best friends introduced me to two of his gay friends a few weeks back.  One of which is in a similar situation as I am as far as family, friends, and church is concerned.  According to my friend both of the guys later asked him if I was really gay.  Apparently I'm not very convincing.

Thing #3
Ski season is finally upon us!  I went skiing for the first time this season! That's all I have to say on that topic.

Thing #4
My birthday happened.  A lot could be said about this day, but I don't want to divulge too much information, suffice it to say it was fun.

I got a new apartment.  I will soon have my own room, finally.  I am also getting a new ward which I am looking forward too.  A fresh start where nobody knows me.

I'm sure there is much more exciting things that happened the past few weeks, but I can't think of them.  I'm still the same guy trying to survive college and navigate the rest of my life.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

You're Gay

I have had several people ask me how I knew I was gay and when.  From what I gather, this is the question that many mohos seem to be interested in.  So let me tell you.  

I was 21 and had been back from my mission for a few months.  During these few months I had been spending some time with this girl that I had known most of my life.  After a few weeks I could tell she was starting to really like me and wanted to make our relationship more personal.  Me, on the other hand, was having a moral dilemma.  See I thought this girl was amazing she was beautiful, outgoing, and we had a lot of things in common.  Everybody had pretty much decided we were going to get married.  But I was feeling nothing.  Literally I was indifferent on the subject.  This really bothered me.  I couldn't figure out why I wasn't all giddy and excited about the possibility of having this beautiful girl to date.  I had said many prayer asking God what was up with me and if she was the right one for me.  A few days past and it was time for our weekend date again.  I don't even remember what we did that evening.  All I remember is when I pulled into her driveway we sat there in my truck looking at each other.  Then she finally asked me, "what are we?"  I laughed and tried to play dumb but we both knew what discussion was coming.  I tried to play the, "I just got home, I don't know . . .bla bla bla" card but it didn't work.  She said that she wanted to try and see how we did has boyfriend and girlfriend.  I laughed again and said, "ok let's sleep on it and I'll see you tomorrow."  Because we had already planned another activity.  That night was one of the worst nights of my life to date.  I couldn't sleep I was scared, because I knew I didn't like her like that and I didn't know how to tell her, more importantly I didn't know why I had no feelings at all.  So the next day came and it was awkward and I told her after our date that I wasn't ready for a relationship yet, and I left it at that.  It was this night on my drive home that the thought came to my mind, "you're gay, and you know it."  

I had never ever thought of this.  I was 21 not some teenager going through puberty.  I had never looked at a guy and thought wow what a beautiful man.  But as I drove home that night scenarios of my life began to flash through my mind and I finally started to realize why I had never kissed a girl.  I realized I wasn't physically attracted to them and that I was indeed attracted to the male physique.  I began to realize that when I looked at an attractive guy growing up I often tried to replicate the look, style or activity.  Whatever it was, I was trying to look like the person I found attractive.  And the rest is history.  

I still sometimes think that I am not gay and that it was a simple thought that my mind became obsessed with and the obsession has grown into a way of life.  I have talked with my bishop (past bishop) about it and that was an interesting conversation that needs much more time than I have tonight.  Regardless, I don't look at a particular even that made me gay, but I do vividly remember the first time I thought it.  I don't blame anybody or anything, I just need to decide what to do now.  Until then I'll run.

Monday, October 24, 2011

The BYU Crowd

Being the stalwart student that I am, I am delaying the homework to write a brief post.  I have a confession.  I finally summoned up the courage to go to the USGA meeting on BYU campus recently, and I have to say I was a bit disappointed.  This could be because I sat in the back and didn't talk to anyone and left early.  Maybe I went on a bad day and need to give it another chance but I don't know.  All that happened was a recap of random news stories on gay topics and some more random youtube videos.  Now, I don't know what normally goes on but I don't think I can take that kind of time out of my schedule to do a review of the weeks news with commentary.  I just don't think I'd fit in.  I'm quite opinionated and it seemed like my opinion was starkly different than those in attendance.  I know someone commented earlier about how they didn't think I was that different from other gay people, but from the ones I've met and talked to, I seem to be very unique.  Don't get me wrong, I wish I had more things in common with my gay friends but so far I've come up empty handed.

I suppose this is what causes me the most grief of all.  I wish I could find some guys here at BYU who liked to ski, exercise, fix cars etc.  I wish I had friends that I could hang out with and not worry about what others may think.  I know I'm not supposed to care what others think but while here at BYU I have no choice, I need friends that aren't going to out me.  Maybe I'm not doing my part.  Maybe I need to give people more of a chance and not stereotype people so quickly, so I'll try to do better. 

Bishop, Dinner, Anger, DEFCON 2

A little introspection.  Every-now-and-then I have those days where I just feel down.  Today happened to be one such day.  I've never been able to pin point why these feelings come on, the best I can figure is they occur much like my migraines, randomly yet oddly consistent.  I suppose it began today at church.  You see, I have been trying to meet with my bishop for the last few months and either he or I end up being out of town or sick, so our meeting has yet to happen.  I decided this week that I was done trying, obviously some force greater than I doesn't want said meeting to happen.  So I left it up to the bishop.  He knows I've been trying to talk to him, and if he feels so impressed to invite me into his office i'll go, but until then I'm in this battle alone.  That being said, I left church feeling a bit inconsequential, apparently God doesn't care that I'm trying to follow his gospel.  (I know this isn't true but the thought frequently attempts to enter into my mind.)

Following church I made dinner for a few friends including my little sister.  While eating I was surrounded by people and still felt quite alone.  Next, I was invited to go watch a movie at my roommates fiancĂ©'s parents house with some other friends of ours.  But that was the last thing I wanted.  Who wants to go socialize with an engaged couple and girls your not interested in?  Not me.  So I stayed home and started watching a movie of my own.  My depressed feelings quickly began to escalate to anger.  I was getting mad, my heart was pounding and I just needed to hit something.  My body kept telling me I had to run or I was going to hurt somebody or break something, but it was dark and I had just ate, surely I would vomit.   So I did the next best thing.  I did laundry, cleaned my room, and sacrificed some money to the iTunes Gods.  It worked.  I calmed myself down, and am feeling much better.  My problems are not gone,  I have just successfully beat them into submission once more.  I worry that one of these days I wont' be able to subdue my feelings and I'll just snap, the idea of which keeps me constantly on edge and somewhat recluse. 

I need a new constant in life.  For the longest time my constant guiding star was the Church.  When that began to dim it was family, followed by school and capping off at being gay.  However, all of these defense systems are hitting DEFCON 2 and I don't know what will happen when they fail.  I currently find myself living for the day the snow falls so I can loose myself on the ski slopes.  But until then I will wait with all the patience I can muster for a north-star to appear.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Hope It Works

I have many thoughts bombarding my already war-torn mind, so that last few nights I have retired to the trenches early.  I have a handful of posts that I have started and have yet to finish, and honestly probably won't, but they were great contemplating tools.   My thoughts, as of late, are rarely completed before a new idea begins, it's quite taxing.  So in an effort to calm my mind I've been pondering this, consider the Following:

I love motors, I have worked on them since I was a little boy.  You see, they are quite simple.  In order to function properly a motor needs spark, fuel-air mixture, and compression, if you achieve all of these you've got high octane fun!  I count myself as quite handy around cars, and as a result I'm automatically a cheap college students first resort when their car decides to go on a unscheduled hiatus.  As my friend's did today.  So what did I do?  I took work off early and spent 3 hours and 3 trips to Auto-zone fixing her angsty Honda Accord.  Now it runs like a champ, and I'm better friends with Auto-zone guy, who was not attractive by the way, slightly disappointing.

If only my internal combustion and timing could be harmonized with 3 hours and a local auto parts store.  But, no such luck.  However, I learned a valuable lesson today.  When diagnosing my friends car, I immediately thought it was a specific faulty part.  But convinced myself otherwise because it is a part that rarely needs replacing, so instead I replaced three other parts before finding the one that actually proved to be faulty.  If I would have followed my gut in the beginning the project would have only taken 30 minutes max.  But, in the processes other problems were fixed and regular tune-up type actions were done.  Her car now runs smoother and more efficiently than it would have if I had just replaced the specific part.

I bring this up, because often our struggles in the church are centered around something we know is broken.  [Not claiming that if your gay your broken, just roll with this].  So what do we do?  We fix that part of us, but soon find that is was only a temporary fix or it propagated another problem previously unidentified or ignored.  What if we spent less effort trying to repair our obvious defects and worked more on a spiritual tune-up.  Work backwards.  I understand this is somewhat of an unconventional method but maybe we can learn something from the angsty Accord I encountered this afternoon.  For example I often find myself not enjoying church, not reading my scriptures regularly, struggling with my daily prayers, and finding excuses to avoid FHE and other church activities. As a consequence I'm alienated from members of my ward and my leaders.  So what am I going to do about it?  I'm going to be a better friend and neighbor to those in my ward, which in turn will make FHE more enjoyable, which will help me be less bitter towards church in general, which will make scripture study and prayer more applicable in my life etc etc etc.  You get the point.

Now that I think of this, there are several programs that function this way (missionary work).  Simply put, work on bettering the system as whole not just one aspect.  We have a phrase in economics that says self-reinforcing effects generate extreme outcomes.  So, what this means is I need to do something in my life that will bring about personal change that in turn will generate more change, almost effortlessly.  That's how an efficient economy works so I simply need to identify my personal self-reinforcing effects.  To a person dealing with homosexuality in the Church, these could be; befriending your church leaders, voluntarily attending institute, contribute in church meetings, and I'm sure there are many others but I'll let you decide what is best for you.  I'm not suggesting that this will make our relationship with the church any stronger, I'm simply suggesting it will make it more pleasant.  If you want to be a part of the church, which I guess most BYU students do, but find it increasingly more difficult to get excited about it, this process may help you.  I think it will help me, and I'll be sure to let you know how it goes.

Although, much more time consuming, this method can bring the desired results more permanently than the quick and dirty fix.  It will hopefully give you more time and mental bandwidth needed to address the larger problems that find us in life, and hopefully your thoughts will become less scrambled and you will stress less about the little things.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Why God Still Loves Me

Today while exceeding the speed limit to a degree that some would call reckless I was reminded that God still loves me.  This epiphany didn't occur because of a near-death experience or a close call of any sort,  I couldn't have been happier.  Partly because I was joyriding but mostly because I finally picked up on a message the Big-Man had been trying to send me for some time.

I know my circumstances sometimes get me down and frustrated.  Today I realized that God didn't care if I was gay or straight, big or small, fat or skinny, or gorgeous.  He just loves me for existing.  After all he did create me after his own image and likeness with expert care and attention.  It's like a grandma who hangs up a page of scribbled lines because her granddaughter said it was a picture of them holding hands.  To the rest of the world the picture is ugly, uninteresting, and a waste of precious fridge space, but to grandma it is the most precious piece of art in her home.  That, my friends, is why God loves me.  Because he has a perspective that no one else has.  He knows and understands me in ways that no one will ever come close to.  My life of scribbled chaos is appreciated and priceless to him.  So today at 103 mph I was God's most precious piece of art on his fridge and I knew it.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

I'm Here, Now What?

Nobody tells me anything these days!  I had to find out through the local news that today was National Coming Out day.  Now I have to wait a whole year.  Oh well, I'll get over it, I did however, almost give my blog address to my sister and a close friend, so that's got to count for something right?  Or not, moving on.

Today was my return to full activity.  I'm still sick, but I couldn't afford to miss anymore school and work.  It wasn't all bad though, my friend took me out for soup for dinner and then my sister brought over more soup.  During both soup encounters I was chastised for not telling them that I was sick, apparently there is some social memo I missed that states, "one will alert the presses and concerned parties when one is infirmed."  Yep, missed that one, sorry friends.  But it did help me realize today, that I have great friends.  I really wish the could read this blog and know how much I appreciate them, it's kind of nice to have someone care about you.  Which brings me to my next point.

So in a moment of boredom I found myself editing the style of my blog, which forced me to reread my subtitle.  This reminded me I started this blog to share my perspective on things, particularly things that affect gay BYU students.  So with out further ramblings the following is my perspective on dating guys/having a boyfriend/kissing etc etc etc while going to BYU.

Technically should you do it?  No, the Honor Code says so.  But I go on man-dates all the time with my buds and have a good time.  So why not go on a man-date with a man that happens to be gay?  So let's just not call it a date and we are good.  Personally I don't see anything wrong with this, honestly I wish it happened to me once or twice.  So what happens when you go on a dates and start to like the individual.  That's where it gets tough, is holding hands and kissing boys against the honor code?  Very much so.  So what do I think?  Well. . . this is a tough question that requires some tough love.  The honorable side of me says, no this is not ok, because you signed an agreement when you came to this university to live your life in harmony with the gospel.  However, the lonely side of me may think technically I'm not breaking in commandments, so what's the big deal.  If he makes me happy, why not?  I think this is a personal endeavor and if you decide to walk that path you better have had a solid conversation with the man upstairs, because you're going to need a foundation of decision to walk on later.  I feel if this is a conclusion you came to following your admittance to BYU you need to keep it low-key and within reason, because the environment of BYU is not one for you to disrespect.  The university has no obligation to you or your choices if you choose to disobey the rules.  So if you do decided to follow this path, don't expect the way to be easy.  If you have made the decision to date men prior to coming to BYU I believe you should not come at all.  You will be intentionally deceiving people from the start, and that is never an easy place to be.

I make the distinction between making the decision before or after coming BYU because I feel those of us who have recognized what being gay means and what role it may play in our life after coming to BYU should not have to switch schools, majors, jobs, or whatever else you have found for yourself because of this new life development.  But, never should any student disrespect the gospel standards this institution stands for, that is being extremely selfish on your part.  BYU has much to offer gay members of the church and  we should take advantage of it while we are here, those who graduated BYU will bless the lives of many gay or straight.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Off Balance

Being gay is an exhausting charade.  I know this isn't a new concept but it's all my brain seems to have been thinking about as of late.  See, I've been sick the last couple of days and have been restricted to the couch or my bed.  I've had nothing to do but think all weekend, this is a dangerous situation.  So. . . I have been pondering about all the effort I put into balancing my life between school, work, church, and friends.  Just thinking about it wears me out.  I'm amazed at the things I do and say, that have little conviction behind them.  It seems I'm trying so hard to balance everything that I'm missing out on everything going on around me.  I wonder if people take me seriously or see right through me.  I never have a personal conversation with people because I can't openly talk about my personal life.  If someone asks how I am doing, I'm programmed to automatically respond, "good thanks."  I have decided this isn't healthy.  I'm going to do something about it.  What I'm going to do is still up for debate, any suggestions?

I've often wondered if I was to meet some more gay people if I would open up and let my self have fun.  I don't think I would because I would continue to be worried that somehow, someone I know would find out.  I also face the dilemma of finding gay people that I would enjoy hanging out with.  I'm definitely the white sheep in a rainbow flock when it comes to the gay crowd.  So what do I do to become more sincere in my ways.  I care about people, and enjoy getting to know them, but it feels superficial when I refuse to let them get to know me.  I grasp the fact that there is more to me than the fact that I like guys, but really, how close can you let people get before they figure that out?  No one in my life  has crossed that line yet.

Recently I was told to loose myself in the service of others.  This is a great plan but with one weakness.  I would serve as a ghost, no one would know who I really am and everybody would be content with that.  I would find myself in the same situation I'm attempting to escape.

Oh well, enough ranting.  I'm going to start with deprogramming my automatic responses.  When someone asks me how I'm doing I'll respond with something I can be confidant in.  Or when someone tries to get to know me better, I'll let them.  The less things I have to balance the better chance I have staying up right.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Bless the Sky Spirits

It snowed in Provo today!  I can't wait until ski season begins.  I love skiing more than most things in life, which can be potentially harmful in social situations I've discovered, but that's not important right now.  What is important is that there is snow up on them ther hills, and it's got me all in the mood, I may just go put my ski boots on and stare out the window.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

The Gay Tax Credit

Today a I learned of the so called, "Fat Tax."  Apparently the higher-ups in our country are attempting to impose a tax on high-fat foods.  This is a bad idea.  First of all, I love fat!  The football shaped Oreos I had today were amazing and I'd be very upset if I was unable to eat them at my leisure.  I'm a student of economics and I understand the reasoning of the government.  Raise the marginal cost of an activity and the marginal benefit gets smaller, blah blah blah.  We get it.  But really?  Is it gonna work?  I think not, Oreos are too gosh darn delicious and if they cost me 12 cents more, those 12 cents are coming out of my vegetable fund, because those marginal benefits are already lacking and I want Oreos!  Now imagine the passion of a 300 lbs moody woman who wants her bacon?  Frightening, I know.  All this is going to do is raise crime because the marginal benefits of bacon are far greater than that of robbing the local 7-11.

I propose the Gay Tax Credit.  Such a credit would give gay individuals a tax break for liking men.   Think about it, we are doing the government and the people of this fine nation a service.  We are saving them the trouble of having to pretend to like us.  What if they just gave the gay friendlies a tax perk, and in return we'd stop all the underwear parades.  Oh better yet,  have congress vote on the either the Gay Tax Credit or Gay rights, now that would be a conundrum.

Anyway, moving on.  Clearly I'm being a bit satirical.  Recently in my religion class and during General Conference, all I seemed to hear were the benefits of not being gay.  Every talk seemed to translate into just that, as if to entice me to change my mind.  I kept hearing, "you could be this if your weren't gay"or "look what you could have if you start liking girls."  Unfortunately team it is not that easy.  The world could raise the marginal cost of being gay, and I'd probably stay in the closet forever, or they could lower the marginal cost and raise the benefit (see proposed Gay Tax Credit above) and I'd still probably stay in the closet.  Because I don't care what everybody else thinks.  I care about what I think.

The problem is there.  I care what I think about myself, I care how I feel about being gay, and currently that is up for debate.  The cursed fates just mess with me.  Whenever I think I have my life figured out they throw off the planetaria alignment and disrupt my mojo.  Rude.  I hope one day to understand myself and the complexities within in me.  This post represents that, an attempt to sort out my inner thoughts and see what drives me.  But for some reason all I can think about are the football Oreos in my kitchen.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

The Benefits of Being Angry At the World

BYU is a joy!  I really enjoy it here, I wouldn't trade it for anything of equal or lesser value, that's for sure.  But I always hear of people who aren't enjoying their time here, be they frustrated, depressed, anxious, shy, or angry at the world.  I wish those people were easier to spot, I'd really like to help.  I'm a friendly guy and I like to think most people find me pleasant to be around.  I think I could help in some small fashion.

After all, many times I have had thoughts that threaten to put me in one of those categories, mainly angry at the world, but I mange to survive.  Why do people allow themselves to be like that?  [I understand some have legitimate mental difficulties that limit this process and they are excused from this discussion]  Just smile.   Maybe you are a bit over weight, maybe you aren't as smart as your roommate, maybe you're not as good looking as the Californian down the row, or heck maybe you gay!  Whatever the reason it's no justification to limit your self worth.  I'll have you know I like you just the way you are.  If you want to change something about yourself I'll be there encouraging you the entire way.  Maybe the lame show, The Green Lantern got something right, perhaps one of the most powerful forces in the universe is your own will.  I think it is.  No one can stop you, not even yourself if your will is supporting you.

If you find yourself thinking you are a lost cause, or you're so low that Moby Dick is blocking your sunlight close your eyes for a while and when you open them realize you are in a place that offers you more than you can possibly handle.  Your inner self will speak to you I promise.  Maybe it will say, "self, you should go play frisbee," or, "self, you keep telling yourself to do that, so do it!"  That's your will, follow it and you'll be surprised where it will lead you.  That's a promise.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

I Want To Buy a Diamond Ring

My best friend is proposing to his girlfriend tomorrow.  It is an elaborate scheme which is guaranteed to bring all parties involved to tears.  Except me, I don't cry, ever.  I'm happy for him, it's an exciting step in his life.

Marriage is doctrinal benchmark most LDS men anxiously look forward to.  All the advice and teachings we receive here at BYU are centered around the life changing event of marriage.  We are all promised a happiness we can not yet imagine, a love that can withstand the strongest of trials, a life with children that will make us forever stronger in the gospel, a closer relationship with our Father in Heaven and his Son, and most importantly, a place in the celestial kingdom.  It sounds exciting, I can't wait!

Oh right, what about me?  What about the fat kid and fat-camp that didn't loose any weight?  Is he doomed to a diet of twinkies, bacon, and cake for the rest of his gluttonous life?  Maybe he can try again next year at Camp Cupcake-Light.  Nope, the chances of him seeing his toes again are getting smaller every time he tries [OK that's the end of the fat kid analogy, although I could keep this going a while!]

It's true isn't it?  Each time I try and make an effort to date girls and do what my Priesthood leaders counsel me to do, I fall farther from the goal.  I get more frustrated, I get angry, and I give up for the next six months.  We can always hope that maybe the right girl will come around, smack me up-side the face, and say, marry me you handsome beast you, and it will work out just fine.  But that hasn't happened yet.  Instead I sit on the sidelines helping everybody else with their amazing proposal, smiling at those that say, "someday you'll be doing this!" or "you just wait!"  And that's exactly what I will do, wait for that time that I fear will never come, and pretend it doesn't bother me.

Do I sound bitter?  I may, because I might be slightly irked that I don't see any point in the near future where I get to buy a beautiful diamond ring, get down on one knee, and pop the question and watch the reaction of someone who loves me more than anything say, "YES!"  Could I find a guy to share that with?  I'm sure I can.  But, it's not the same.  A gay marriage will never bring the same social and religious excitement a traditional marriage would.  It would be like the fat kid graduating fat camp because  they didn't want him to feel bad and fall into a comatose depression, it's just not the same.

But! no worries, I love my life, and enjoy every day of it.  There are many exciting things in my future I'm sure, sometimes I just complain for the sake of complaining.  You know, I complain whens it's hot, I complain when it's cold, I complain when it rains, smells, when i'm tiered, or when i'm gay.  It's nothing new, I don't expect it to help or change the way I feel, it's just fun to complain.  So thanks for reading you all are champions!

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

The Title Says It All

I wrote this post almost a year ago and just discovered it in my archives.  I found I have maintained the opinions expressed below.

[DISCLAIMER: The following is written with the assumption that the modal temptation for gay LDS men is sex, including all facets.]

The band All Time Low inspired the title of this humble blog.  Their song Poison contains the line , "I've got a road, and it leads to decadence."  It has become a favorite of mine, the phrase, not the song.  Although, the song contains a message I find myself relating to more frequently than I care to recall.

As I have become more aware of my homosexuality I have been introduced to temptations of varying types and severity.  When sixteen and sitting in Priests quorum I never conceived I would encounter such thoughts as these, nor did I expect them to frequently re-assert themselves into my life once I had.  Do I sound bitter?  Because I'm not.  Do I feel I have it more difficult than others do in this life?  Surly not.  Do I believe I have a deeper perspective on righteousness and wickedness than those who need only postpone intimacy for a brief engagement?  I do. (no pun intended, but secretly appreciated)  Notice I said deeper perspective not understanding.  Now, I understand that statement falls short of grammar rule, but let me explain.  I don't view my perspective deeper, simply because gay-guys don't have any more options in sin than straight-people do when it comes to life's choices.  However, we do tend to have a vision that pierces the eternities and recalls the past when actions are mixed with Mormon doctrine.  Consider this.  You're faced with the opportunity to kiss a man knowing full well the 'road to decadence' that decision puts you on.  Depending on your level of homeostatic thinking (see earlier post) you consider the consequences of your action.  Then perhaps later, you consider your past choices that led up to this decision.  What does that give you?  A deeper perspective.  Repeat the thought process multiple times and your an expert.  [DISCLAIMER: I understand that the above method can be applied to any transgression of a gay or straight nature and need not be exclusive to sexual acts.]

While everyone faces the cause-and-effect thought chains I submit that gays, particularly LDS gays, deal with this at a far higher frequency then the general mormon population.  And I have met, conversed with, heard of, and read about a number of gay mormons that do not handle this well.  My question is why?  The answer has far too many variables to be constrained to a mere blogpost, however I think we should all discover within ourselves just how far down that road we plan on traveling.  [DISCLAIMER last one: These feelings will be exponentially worse when comparing a closeted individual to someone who has decided to live an open gay lifestyle.]

I hope this is understandable and you (the virtual masses) do not write me off as an infant, naive to this way of thinking.  Honestly it took some mental kneading to put it into words, and I'm confident I did it little justice, but at least it helped me.  Yes, I'm claiming self betterment on this grossly opaque post.  If it offends just skip over it as it was not intended to sway anyones way of thinking, merely to express mine. What was the point?  In short I attempted to explain why I gave my blog the above name suggesting that just because we are gay that doesn't give us merit to become immoral and irresponsible, instead we should be more understanding, kind, and patient with those who find themselves on different roads.

Why I'm Not FAT

I run a lot.  So much so, people worry.  They question my sanity, health, and basic cognitive capabilities.  Usually people look at me much like a child looks at broccoli when they first hear of my exercise habits.  When I meet, shall we say, less enthusiastic runners the conversation generally goes something like this:

Concerned citizen:  "How far did you run?"
Me:  "Oh, about 10 miles."
Surprised citizen:  "Woah. . .uh. . .Why?!"
Me:  "That's all I had time for"  (I've perfected this response)
Shocked citizen:  "How long does it take you?"
Me:  "About 1 hour 15 minutes."
Baffled citizen:  "Gross, why?!"

etc. etc. etc. It's a vicious cycle.

While the exclamatory is almost certain to change the general reaction is quite the same.  Even my family who is accustom to my running still occasionally gives me the child-broccoli stare.  So why do I run? It's simple.  When I was a young hormonal teenager I learned that exercise was supposed be a great channel for that pubescent frustration.  So thats what I did, I ran.  As I grew older and teenage angst turned into outright sexual tension I ran further and faster, yet still on my mission I found more events that left me running with my companions following on bike or in the car.  And when I returned home my inability to find girls attractive turned me into a running machine.  I ran everyday, regardless of the weather or temperature, I was nearly struck by lightning, run over on several occasions, bit by dogs, lost in the mountains, stranded without water, and much more exciting events found their way littered throughout my daily runs.  Let's think for a moment, what else would make you barf in the middle of the road, crap your pants, and run till you experience hematuria?  The correct answer is, homosexuality.  Yes, running was and still is the way I deal with it.  So when people ask me why I run I would love to yell, "BECAUSE I'M GAY!" Instead I leave them perplexed with just a shrug and smile.

Monday, September 26, 2011

And We're Back, Well Maybe

It's been a while since I have posted.  In fact I had to break into my own blog because I couldn't remember my login info, but alas I am back.  For those of you just joining us, or those of you who forgotten all about me and am surprised when this shows up on your updated blog listings, here is the rundown.  Last semester ended well, the summer was a party (I still have my tan) this semester is crazy, and yes I'm still gay.  

At least I think so.

Today, was a first.  OK not actually a first but it's been a while.  I thought to myself, "maybe I can date and marry a girl."  It was a strange feeling and a thought I haven't put much effort into for quite a while.  The issue has been weighing on my mind all day (the whole past 3 hours) so I started thinking what I would have to do to make that happen.  I quickly overheated my brain with this new avenue of development that I have paused to write.

I came home after class, which is odd because I usually go to work and started to look at some old blogs that I remember reading.  In the coming days I hope to yarf up my thoughts in some organized manner on this blog for the masses to read, but let's be honest it's mostly for me to read, because shoot I read some of my old posts and I crack myself up!  Especially the one I never published.  Anyway, moving one.  As I get older and more mature in my BYU career the push for marriage and blissful courtship is regularly invading my personal space.  My mother, my professors, my friends, my boss, my other boss, some random lady who i've never met told me to get married as I ran by the temple, oh and did I mention my Mother?  Seriously, tact has left the building and random people are just yelling at me, "hey you get married already!"  Sometimes I wish I could say, "The prophet told me not too!"  Just to watch their reaction.  But that's not gonna happen anytime in the near-ish future.  I'm still my closeted little self who is seen as the person who spends all his time on school and high-octane adrenaline sports, clearly I don't have time for women.  Yes, I am the one President Monson was talking to when he was addressing those young men who are going on extravagant vacations and buying expensive toys instead of ushering the beautiful young ladies to the alter in droves. 

In short, I'm back to the blogging world hoping that it helps me sort the various "files of important things" I have created in my head.  So saddle up!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Y Write

My freshman writing class had a text book entitled Why Write?  I found the sample essays and excerpts interesting and intriguing.  I enjoy writing, I always have, and this book helped me become a better writer (which may or may not be present in the posts of this fascinating blog) but I'm having an internal debate on whether my Y writing [Y writing = experiences at BYU] is beneficial.  Granted being a closeted gay student at the Y is not without it's challenges but I'm not sure my blog is helping.

I find I dwell far more on my gay thoughts and feelings throughout the day, especially when I blog about them.  These feelings are accompanied by feelings of guilt, shame, anger, frustration and even hatred towards friends, family, school, the world, and myself.  I have to ask myself is it worth it?  I successfully buried these feelings for years, why don't I just keep doing that?  Why do I have to tell my 11 followers what I think?  No one really cares.  I started this blog for me not for them, and currently it's not helping me at all.

Maybe it's just my time to face this issue in life.  If it is I hope to finish this race under my own power.  As for now, my mile 25 feeling has hit at mile 3.  So for now I'm asking myself why write my Y write, it brings nothing but trouble.  Perhaps one day, a metaphorical freshman will read my words and be inspired to do something positive because currently that's the only purpose I have for my writing.  So this may be the end even though we just barely left the ground.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Too Bad?

I have a great religion class here on campus.  I really enjoy it.  Each day I walk out of that class inspired to be better and reach my full potential.  Today as I was walking out of instruction my imagination was playing out  my futuristic journey through life including such things I could do in the church, all the people I could help, and the happiness I could take part in.  Then, that ever present fact barged into my imaginative production as I saw two individuals walking towards me, a guy and girl.  They were not a couple, they weren't even walking next to each other.  As I approached them my inner self said, "too bad you're more attracted to that [staring at the cute guy walking by] instead of that [glancing at the girl]."

Score one for inner-self!  Thanks for rewriting my already fictitious future, jerk.  Without more thought my excitement from religion class was gone and I was left walking in the freezing tundra that is Utah.  As I sat in my next class, which was not as interesting as the current turn of events in my cranium, I thought, "too bad? Am I really worse off than some straight dude?"  I refused to accept this.  I don't have it all planned out, and I don't know how it will work, but I fail to see how I have any less potential than he who is a lover of women.  Is it possible to have happiness equal to that experienced by a married couple, while being single?  I sure hope so.  I trust my portion of happiness will find me regardless of my non-exsistant relationships.  It may be in another form and variety but it will come.  And it will come to you too as long as you don't let your self repeatedly play the "too bad" card on your deck of life.

[DISCLAIMER: Today was actually a great day, I thoroughly enjoyed it.  My inner-gay turmoil somehow seems to function on a different level that does not directly affect my current state of being.  Weird, I know, it baffles my friends, but such is a day in the life of Ike.]

Monday, January 31, 2011

Euphoria Comes From the Dentist Not From Coming Out

This morning I sat in fancy dental chair awaiting the verdict on the current state of my teeth.  It had been  3 years (don't judge) since my last cleaning and I had just spent the last 25 minutes getting scraped, poked, scratched, and jabbed by the hygienist.  Thankfully I didn't hear any ominous sighs, gasps, or 'uh-huh's' as the various dental professionals took turns looking in my mouth.  Finally the M.D. D.D.S. walked in took 5 seconds and said, "well the only issue I see is here around [insert medical term for some tooth on the lower right side] but it's nothing major."

Why did none of the other office personal say anything.  Are they blind? Are they not qualified, is it above their pay grade?  Or do they just not know what to look for?  I suppose it is much like life.  We have plenty of people poke and jab us, examine and study us, but none will confidently come to decision or a firm verdict on homos.  Recently I had an acquaintance come-out on Facebook to roughly 1,500 friends.  What did he get?  A bunch of hygienists that keep telling him he is great, or good luck, make sure to floss, you're brave, I'll pray for you and blah blah blah blah.  Does my friend actually think his underlying self-consciouness is going to be solved by telling everybody on Facebook he is gay?  No!  Well, he probably does, but as concerned citizens of the closeted community, I think otherwise.  You may be accepted by your friends and family, but what you really want is the D.D.S. of life to come and say, you're good, carry on!   Well, how do we set this appoint with the Divine Designer of the Sexes?  I want that number!

What I'm shootin' at here, and completely missing, is that the decision to be openly gay is personal.  And in my opinion its a rather sacred decision.  You're dealing with some deeply rooted feelings and your random friends on Facebook should not be invited to party in your emotions.   If you feel the need to tell close friends and family to avoid awkward conversation in the future, that's understandable, but everyone else is not a necessity.  It's giving the rest of us closeted folk a bad name.  So please be a little more tactful in the future.

Anyway, back to the title of this post.  More cavities?  More laughing gas?  Yes please.  It's the best legal high I've experienced (just to be clear, the only high I've experience) it is almost worth not brushing your teeth.  So next time you feel the desire to come out on Facebook just go to the dentist, it's far more enjoyable.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

To eat, or not to eat?

Quick rundown: 17 credits, 2 jobs, work 20 hours a week, 3 meetings a week, and so on.  I'm sure the average college student can relate to the hectic schedule that a full time student acquires, and up until this semester I have managed it pretty well.  But I've hit a snag this semester, I'm not eating well.  This is a problem.  I run between 8-10 miles a day and I am beginning to feel the effects of malnutrition, so I'm debating on buying a meal plan to use on campus. It's either that or waste away slowly.

If I had to name one gay trait that I have, it is this.  I'm a connoisseur of fine food.  I love to eat.  I'd rather spend twenty-five dollars on a good meal than on a piece of clothing.  So you can imagine the stress it causes me when I come home and don't have time to eat.  I end up living off of granola bars, orange juice, and candy (quickest way to my heart, SUGAR!)

In my state of starvation yesterday I happened upon one of my favorite places to eat here in Provo, and as chance would have it there was a young, obviously gay couple, on a date.  I smiled to myself and thought, "I'm surrounded." Now, in the past I've prided myself in my gay-identifying abilities (aka gay-dar) this comes as the product of living in Miami Beach and the Florida Keys for a few years.  However, I'm convinced there is a Bermuda Triangle of Provo that throws off said gay-dar.  It's a tad depressing.  My temporary solution is much like a tribal judicial system, gay until proven straight.  It works out pretty well as long as everyone doesn't cross their legs like the couple out for a romantic meal yesterday evening. But, gay or not, a man must eat.  So don't be surprised if you find me researching in-field techniques of gay-dar and its application, within the Provo-triangle that is BYU cafeteria.

I'm Still a Guy

My reluctancy towards coming-out is attached firmly to the reaction I'm sure to receive from my friends.  Here is my unique reason (perhaps it's not unique but I have yet to discover someone who also feels, or has felt this way).  Naturally I'm concerned about my family's response to me being gay.  However, their grief and surprise will come from religious beliefs and traditions not the fact that i'm interrupting the social norm, and I'm ok with that, I enjoy disrupting normality.  I worry far less about distant friends, and church acquaintances stumbling upon my true feelings.  But the real stressor in my life comes from my closest friends.  Now, I can appreciate them thinking I've abandoned the great-ship-zion, and I would do my best to calm their fears and assure them I have a dingy waiting below.  But what I can not handle is the perception change that I believe will follow.  I wish I had sufficient hope to convince myself this wont happen but in my mind it seems inevitable.   Some of you may be thinking, "well they are not very good friends if they think differently of you."  This is true.  I'm confident they will still love me and spend time with me, but said time, will not be the same as it is today.

To clarify and give meaning to the title of this post.  Brad Paisley sings a song entitled I'm Still a Guy wherein he reminds his girlfriend that despite his lapses in manliness when it comes to love, he is still a guy and that will never change.  I concur.  Giddiness pounces me occasionally when I have a crush or prospect of a mutual attraction but I always revert to my guy ways.  Yes I like the outdoors, yes I like guns, yes I like violence, motorcycles, skiing, hunting, cars, tools, and a whole array of manly hobbies and skills, but, news flash, being GAY wont change that.  But in the eyes of my best friend my manly status will fall.  This is a big deal!  We have manly mantages (male personified montage) frequently.

So this is my SOS to my faithful 6 followers.   You are all champions in my book.  What say ye?

P.S.  If you fell prey to insomnia last night and found yourself at my blog you may notice now, the post I wrote late last night has been removed.  I took it down for further editing, you can expect it soon.  It will be worth   the delay.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

For The Love of a Good Woman, or Man, Whichever You Prefer (for this crowd lets assume the latter)

What have you done in the name of love?  Driven hundreds of miles, spent a week's earnings, deceived a friend, broke commandments (gasp) or something else that was without the bounds of your mental homeostasis realm?  The truth is, we all do otherwise irrational things when our passions take over.  We discussed this topic at length today in one of my humanities classes.  Indeed throughout history humans have done crazy things in the name of, or for, someone they profess to love.  Classical literature is littered with accounts of chivalrous knights slaying armies, swimming across great waters, and surviving such great peril just to behold their lady love one more time.  And others, on the other extreme, tell of men going insane when their profession of love to another is rejected or dismissed.  Also, (interesting fact) it was legal in English Common Law to kill a man if you caught him in bed with your wife.  Why, you ask?  Because, said man was not in a reliable or accountable state after finding ones love in bed making love with a lover that was stealing the love which was rightfully his to lovingly receive.  Of course!  What gentleman would question the murderous rampage of a man knowing full well he just found his wife with another guy.  I sure wouldn't.  God bless the Queen!

Anyway, not the point.  My professor presented a lecture that convinced us that for some reason, beyond understanding, our love, lust, or passion, whichever you would like to identify with, has a measurable and noticeable effect on ones reason.  Do you agree or disagree?  I agree and have some stories of my own to back it up, but thats a whole other post TBA.  My ponderings of this topic caused my mind to abandon the classroom and everything else that was going on to further explore this new found tidbit of knowledge.

One particular point my professor made was on lust.  He believes that lust is not a product of Satan, but rather a feeling from within us that Satan or some other evil entity, can draw on the effects of in order to influence us.  However, he cannot produce it.  Maybe its better said this way, we can't blame our lustful acts on the devil. . .dangit!  (time-out, I know this is not new doctrine to the church, but I had just never thought about this way.  I don't want you all thinking I'm easily impressed by these simple doctrines. ok time-in)  So to me this meant my lust/desire/attraction/love for guys is not a temptation? (just so you know this has the makings of an earth-shattering discovery for me, if it turns out to be true).  Now if that  didn't steer my truck in an entirely different direction today I don't know what would've.  Because, frankly I've had a real problem as of late when I hear that homosexuality is a temptation.  I'm not saying it is or isn't but Cervantes just might have been onto something here!

This topic requires some more in-depth thinking before more conclusions can be drawn but I thought it was worth putting out there to spawn greater contemplation from the masses (cause I have 3 followers, you guys rock!).  So expect a return to this subject in the future, but as for now I need sleep before my love of blogging makes me do something ridiculous, as in, stay up all night.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Ode to My BYU Ward

Like a good BYU student I go to church every week.  I have a calling and do my home-teaching.  But I just have to say my ward is special and the demographics are odd.  We have an assortment of houses and small apartment complexes which produce an older than average ward.  Which leaves us with those people who, 1-don't care about marriage (usually engineers) 2-the special spirits or 3-desperate elders, and that about sums it up.

I have mixed feelings about church that surface every week.  Now understand I always go to church but sometimes I'm a little more excited then other days.  I love to teach, so it's usually the days that I teach that i'm excited to go.  Today however was a mixture of the two.  Last night I had a barrage of guilty feelings flow through my subconscious.  Before I knew it I was quoting scriptures to myself and could hear the voices of general authorities echoing through my head reminding me that being gay was not allowed, natural, or possible.  And all those who participated in homosexual activity were in serious trouble with the big man.  So I was left alone wide-eyed in my apartment thinking, "self we're in big trouble, yep, big trouble." So even though I got to teach today I had the rubble of last nights mental D-day washing up on the shores of my inner sanctum.  Luckily I have spent years training my little brain minions to comb the beaches and throw those thoughts back into to sea to re-shore at a later date hoping that reinforcements have arrived prior.

It is difficult to sit through a meeting where everything reminds you of how wrong your thoughts are and  what serious sins being gay can potentially produce.  But I do, I sit there, I let them say it and then I move on hoping it will all make sense some day.  But lets look on the bright side, at least I have been blessed with having no good looking guys in my ward right?

Anyway, I learned today that our character is what will be pulled up on the big screen of the pearly gates when we die and face judgment.  This is based off of Elder Scotts talk, the transforming power of Faith (or something to that effect).  So I resolved to align my character with the principles of the gospel as best as I could.  So i'm putting that out in the cyber-blog world so you all can hold me to it!  Whoever you are.  Cheers.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Some Initial information

So I've mentally threatened to myself that, "I'm going to start a blog!" And 2 years later I finally have. But before I launch myself into the immensities of cyber space, I need to clarify some things. First the title, more importantly the sub-title, I suppose you all have a dictionary so I'm skipping to the subtitle. I presume this is what will bring most individuals to my new-found domain, so I feel obligated to define it. Yes, I am a BYU student in Provo. Phew, now that's over with. . .onto the 'gay' statement. I will use this word loosely throughout my blog so as to keep rhetoric neat. What I mean by G-A-Y is this: I am attracted to the male population of the human species. Does this mean I whistle and wink at every suave gentlemen I see? No. Do I get all giddy about shoes and fashion? No. Do I fit into the stereotypical gay scene/population? Most definitely no. But I DO find the male physique attractive and I definitely notice when a well maintained one passes me by. I am sexually (yes I said it) attracted to guys and their personalities and characteristics. I call myself "Gay" for these reasons, not because i'm uber-liberal, or i'm planning to be present at the next pride march.   My current status is simply 'gay' as defined in the terms prior.

Now if any of that seems confusing, join the club! Hopefully you will see more of my skewed logic emerge as this blog begins to string on.

Onto more important things. Why I am starting a blog? I generally find myself a humorous person and sometimes I need a medium to share my clever wit with the masses, so fellow gay bloggers beware! Alright that may have been misleading. . . I am not an avid follower of gay-mormon-blogs, or any blog for that matter. But I'm assuming thats who will stumble upon this piece of literary genius in the future, hence the warning. Now, back to the topic, why the blog? I have often found myself engaged in some intense mental battles dealing with homosexual topics and society (which includes the church) and I would like to share some of my debates and findings with others in hopes that they may help, enlighten, entertain, or occupy some mental gigs in someones personal hard-drive. I do not wish to tell anyone how to live or tell anyone they are wrong, I just simply would like to share my opinions and thoughts, and invite others to do the same.

I think that about does it for introductory notes. Enjoy!