Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Y Write

My freshman writing class had a text book entitled Why Write?  I found the sample essays and excerpts interesting and intriguing.  I enjoy writing, I always have, and this book helped me become a better writer (which may or may not be present in the posts of this fascinating blog) but I'm having an internal debate on whether my Y writing [Y writing = experiences at BYU] is beneficial.  Granted being a closeted gay student at the Y is not without it's challenges but I'm not sure my blog is helping.

I find I dwell far more on my gay thoughts and feelings throughout the day, especially when I blog about them.  These feelings are accompanied by feelings of guilt, shame, anger, frustration and even hatred towards friends, family, school, the world, and myself.  I have to ask myself is it worth it?  I successfully buried these feelings for years, why don't I just keep doing that?  Why do I have to tell my 11 followers what I think?  No one really cares.  I started this blog for me not for them, and currently it's not helping me at all.

Maybe it's just my time to face this issue in life.  If it is I hope to finish this race under my own power.  As for now, my mile 25 feeling has hit at mile 3.  So for now I'm asking myself why write my Y write, it brings nothing but trouble.  Perhaps one day, a metaphorical freshman will read my words and be inspired to do something positive because currently that's the only purpose I have for my writing.  So this may be the end even though we just barely left the ground.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Too Bad?

I have a great religion class here on campus.  I really enjoy it.  Each day I walk out of that class inspired to be better and reach my full potential.  Today as I was walking out of instruction my imagination was playing out  my futuristic journey through life including such things I could do in the church, all the people I could help, and the happiness I could take part in.  Then, that ever present fact barged into my imaginative production as I saw two individuals walking towards me, a guy and girl.  They were not a couple, they weren't even walking next to each other.  As I approached them my inner self said, "too bad you're more attracted to that [staring at the cute guy walking by] instead of that [glancing at the girl]."

Score one for inner-self!  Thanks for rewriting my already fictitious future, jerk.  Without more thought my excitement from religion class was gone and I was left walking in the freezing tundra that is Utah.  As I sat in my next class, which was not as interesting as the current turn of events in my cranium, I thought, "too bad? Am I really worse off than some straight dude?"  I refused to accept this.  I don't have it all planned out, and I don't know how it will work, but I fail to see how I have any less potential than he who is a lover of women.  Is it possible to have happiness equal to that experienced by a married couple, while being single?  I sure hope so.  I trust my portion of happiness will find me regardless of my non-exsistant relationships.  It may be in another form and variety but it will come.  And it will come to you too as long as you don't let your self repeatedly play the "too bad" card on your deck of life.

[DISCLAIMER: Today was actually a great day, I thoroughly enjoyed it.  My inner-gay turmoil somehow seems to function on a different level that does not directly affect my current state of being.  Weird, I know, it baffles my friends, but such is a day in the life of Ike.]