Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Y Write

My freshman writing class had a text book entitled Why Write?  I found the sample essays and excerpts interesting and intriguing.  I enjoy writing, I always have, and this book helped me become a better writer (which may or may not be present in the posts of this fascinating blog) but I'm having an internal debate on whether my Y writing [Y writing = experiences at BYU] is beneficial.  Granted being a closeted gay student at the Y is not without it's challenges but I'm not sure my blog is helping.

I find I dwell far more on my gay thoughts and feelings throughout the day, especially when I blog about them.  These feelings are accompanied by feelings of guilt, shame, anger, frustration and even hatred towards friends, family, school, the world, and myself.  I have to ask myself is it worth it?  I successfully buried these feelings for years, why don't I just keep doing that?  Why do I have to tell my 11 followers what I think?  No one really cares.  I started this blog for me not for them, and currently it's not helping me at all.

Maybe it's just my time to face this issue in life.  If it is I hope to finish this race under my own power.  As for now, my mile 25 feeling has hit at mile 3.  So for now I'm asking myself why write my Y write, it brings nothing but trouble.  Perhaps one day, a metaphorical freshman will read my words and be inspired to do something positive because currently that's the only purpose I have for my writing.  So this may be the end even though we just barely left the ground.

2 comments:

  1. Why not. Life gets better especially when you leave Provo. At least for me it did

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  2. First time I've seen your blog Ike. I like. (sorry) Certainly your experiences will benefit someone, but even if it didn't, it can certainly benefit you. Even though it cause some personal angst, it can be good therapy and help you articulate your inner feelings. Blogging has certainly helped me to work through my feelings and understand better my blog's author.

    One thing is sure, pushing everything back into your mental closet is not healthy. Keep on!

    Steve

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