My freshman writing class had a text book entitled Why Write? I found the sample essays and excerpts interesting and intriguing. I enjoy writing, I always have, and this book helped me become a better writer (which may or may not be present in the posts of this fascinating blog) but I'm having an internal debate on whether my Y writing [Y writing = experiences at BYU] is beneficial. Granted being a closeted gay student at the Y is not without it's challenges but I'm not sure my blog is helping.
I find I dwell far more on my gay thoughts and feelings throughout the day, especially when I blog about them. These feelings are accompanied by feelings of guilt, shame, anger, frustration and even hatred towards friends, family, school, the world, and myself. I have to ask myself is it worth it? I successfully buried these feelings for years, why don't I just keep doing that? Why do I have to tell my 11 followers what I think? No one really cares. I started this blog for me not for them, and currently it's not helping me at all.
Maybe it's just my time to face this issue in life. If it is I hope to finish this race under my own power. As for now, my mile 25 feeling has hit at mile 3. So for now I'm asking myself why write my Y write, it brings nothing but trouble. Perhaps one day, a metaphorical freshman will read my words and be inspired to do something positive because currently that's the only purpose I have for my writing. So this may be the end even though we just barely left the ground.