Monday, October 10, 2011

Off Balance

Being gay is an exhausting charade.  I know this isn't a new concept but it's all my brain seems to have been thinking about as of late.  See, I've been sick the last couple of days and have been restricted to the couch or my bed.  I've had nothing to do but think all weekend, this is a dangerous situation.  So. . . I have been pondering about all the effort I put into balancing my life between school, work, church, and friends.  Just thinking about it wears me out.  I'm amazed at the things I do and say, that have little conviction behind them.  It seems I'm trying so hard to balance everything that I'm missing out on everything going on around me.  I wonder if people take me seriously or see right through me.  I never have a personal conversation with people because I can't openly talk about my personal life.  If someone asks how I am doing, I'm programmed to automatically respond, "good thanks."  I have decided this isn't healthy.  I'm going to do something about it.  What I'm going to do is still up for debate, any suggestions?

I've often wondered if I was to meet some more gay people if I would open up and let my self have fun.  I don't think I would because I would continue to be worried that somehow, someone I know would find out.  I also face the dilemma of finding gay people that I would enjoy hanging out with.  I'm definitely the white sheep in a rainbow flock when it comes to the gay crowd.  So what do I do to become more sincere in my ways.  I care about people, and enjoy getting to know them, but it feels superficial when I refuse to let them get to know me.  I grasp the fact that there is more to me than the fact that I like guys, but really, how close can you let people get before they figure that out?  No one in my life  has crossed that line yet.

Recently I was told to loose myself in the service of others.  This is a great plan but with one weakness.  I would serve as a ghost, no one would know who I really am and everybody would be content with that.  I would find myself in the same situation I'm attempting to escape.

Oh well, enough ranting.  I'm going to start with deprogramming my automatic responses.  When someone asks me how I'm doing I'll respond with something I can be confidant in.  Or when someone tries to get to know me better, I'll let them.  The less things I have to balance the better chance I have staying up right.


  1. How many of the BYU crowd have you met? There is a serious diversity of approaches to the church, many personalities. I think you would find friends amongst the gay BYU crowd.

    Being around other gay people is a breath of fresh air. Especially being around ones who know where you are coming from with the church.

  2. "I'm definitely the white sheep in a rainbow flock when it comes to the gay crowd."

    I'm not sure how accurate that statement can be, especially if you don't know a lot of gay people. I made it through BYU telling myself that I wasn't gay because I wasn't like the stereotypical negative gay image that many church members are so good at portraying. The truth is, there are all sorts of gay people.

    I think a good place to start (if you haven't already) might be the unofficial group that meets at BYU:

  3. there's more to your life than just the homosexual aspect right? Talk about your interests. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. You'll be amazed ;-)

  4. One things I can tell you. There is enormous peace that comes from living on the outside in a manner consistent with how one feels on the inside.

    The rest of your concerns will work themselves out once that's in place. The white sheep will find the other white sheep among the rainbows.

    I also found that the people who I feared wouldn't have accepted the real me at your age were the same ones who ended up turning their back on me when I eventually owned up to the truth. They weren't true friends then and I only wish I hadn't handed them the reigns of my life for far too long.

  5. Sulli - I have met about 7, one of these days I'll meet more
    El Genio - I have some friends that meet with that group, I'm trying to get myself to go.
    Troy - You came to the same conclusion I did while writing, either we are both right, or we will go down swinging.
    Dads - One day i'll get there

  6. I'd also recommend the BYU group (USGA). I never went since it was formed just after I graduated, but I know a bunch of the people in it and recommend it highly based solely on them.

  7. I don't think you're as unique as you think you are... no offense. Don't get me wrong, you're special and all that jazz, but I know a lot of dudes who have very similar stories and perspectives as you... that's a good thing. My guess is the more vulnerable you allow yourself to be, the more others will open up to you... and who knows you may find someone you can really relate to. Good luck.
    - Another Provo Guy in a very similar circumstance

  8. Wow... this hit me as something like I could have written some time these last few days (except for the being sick part, thankfully)!

    Do go to the USGA!!! Now that I am graduated and away from the opportunity to bury my head in school as an excuse not to confront other aspects of life, I *mourn* that I did not take advantage of getting to know the gay community at BYU.

  9. I got to know some in the BYU gay community more than 25 years ago. It was a great time, and I loved being a part of it. Unfortunately I decided the Evergreen approach would work for me, and put myself back in the closet. My advice is don't do that. Take your time, but remember to follow your heart.