Monday, October 10, 2011
I've often wondered if I was to meet some more gay people if I would open up and let my self have fun. I don't think I would because I would continue to be worried that somehow, someone I know would find out. I also face the dilemma of finding gay people that I would enjoy hanging out with. I'm definitely the white sheep in a rainbow flock when it comes to the gay crowd. So what do I do to become more sincere in my ways. I care about people, and enjoy getting to know them, but it feels superficial when I refuse to let them get to know me. I grasp the fact that there is more to me than the fact that I like guys, but really, how close can you let people get before they figure that out? No one in my life has crossed that line yet.
Recently I was told to loose myself in the service of others. This is a great plan but with one weakness. I would serve as a ghost, no one would know who I really am and everybody would be content with that. I would find myself in the same situation I'm attempting to escape.
Oh well, enough ranting. I'm going to start with deprogramming my automatic responses. When someone asks me how I'm doing I'll respond with something I can be confidant in. Or when someone tries to get to know me better, I'll let them. The less things I have to balance the better chance I have staying up right.