Monday, October 15, 2012

The Usual Rant

I don't expect my challenges to be unique to me, nor do I assume that I'm the only one struggling along the straight and narrow path.  But sometimes you share what your dealing with to relieve the pressure within oneself and perhaps help another.  I choose to divulge my feelings on this blog (apparently not very often) because I'm not in a situation to share these issues with my friends or those around me.  For those of you joining us for the first time, I'm a twenty-somthing senior at BYU who is gay just trying to figure life out.  

I struggle keeping gay friends.  Apparently I'm not "very gay" and consequently I'm not in touch with my sensitive side.  Often my friends--gay and straight alike--are hurt by my disinterest in hanging out with them.  I enjoy hanging out with friends but I also enjoy my time alone doing my own thing.  I'm upfront about this part of my personality, but eventually everybody seems to expect more out of the relationship than I do.  Such expectation leads to disappointment, anger, and eventual friendship abandonment.  I try to be better and try to be a good friend but it is evidently not enough.

I'm working on it.

My guy friends don't seem to have a problem with it.  I can go days not talking to them and we are still best friends.  I would hope one day to have a friend like that who is also gay.  I have put a reasonable amount of effort into finding gay friends over the past year but I haven't had much luck.  I hear rumors and catch glimpses of other gay guys who may be from the same type of mold as me, but I have yet been able to meet one.

The spiritual dilemma.  As many of us mormon guys know, it is difficult to sit through church and not feel as if you are being scolded for being gay.  Whether you have broken commandments or not, the ever present judgment of God is staring you in the face.  This is a difficult circumstance.  One I would wish I had no part of.  But I keep going, waiting for that day when my path is clear and bright.

I spoke with a friend today who just got out of a serious relationship.  Seriously, she was planning a wedding.  She has a great life and is hopeful for the future.  I wish I knew how that felt.  Don't get me wrong, I have a great life too and am very hopeful for my future.  But a future shared with someone special seems ever so distant.  Occasionally those I care most about don't have time for me, which is understandable, we all have lives.  It is at times like these where I feel the most isolated.  Isolated from friends, God, family, and my accomplishments.  It's a strange feeling--total isolation.  Generally I snap back to reality quickly and return to normal cognitive capacity realizing it is no use stressing about something you can't change.

I'm often charged by leaders and teachers with phrases like, "rise up oh men of God." I often imagine what this metaphorical army would look like.  I feel like I would be standing outside of the ranks, wearing the same uniform,  but watching as the soldiers marched off to war leaving me behind unnoticed struggling to keep up.  

Life is good.  It's never what we planned it to be but it is still our life.  I'll enjoy my life whether my friends join me or not.  I'll enjoy the isolation so I enjoy the company.  I'll do my best to do my duty even if I'm alone.  Life is good, challenges come, but i'm working on it.