Monday, January 31, 2011

Euphoria Comes From the Dentist Not From Coming Out

This morning I sat in fancy dental chair awaiting the verdict on the current state of my teeth.  It had been  3 years (don't judge) since my last cleaning and I had just spent the last 25 minutes getting scraped, poked, scratched, and jabbed by the hygienist.  Thankfully I didn't hear any ominous sighs, gasps, or 'uh-huh's' as the various dental professionals took turns looking in my mouth.  Finally the M.D. D.D.S. walked in took 5 seconds and said, "well the only issue I see is here around [insert medical term for some tooth on the lower right side] but it's nothing major."

Why did none of the other office personal say anything.  Are they blind? Are they not qualified, is it above their pay grade?  Or do they just not know what to look for?  I suppose it is much like life.  We have plenty of people poke and jab us, examine and study us, but none will confidently come to decision or a firm verdict on homos.  Recently I had an acquaintance come-out on Facebook to roughly 1,500 friends.  What did he get?  A bunch of hygienists that keep telling him he is great, or good luck, make sure to floss, you're brave, I'll pray for you and blah blah blah blah.  Does my friend actually think his underlying self-consciouness is going to be solved by telling everybody on Facebook he is gay?  No!  Well, he probably does, but as concerned citizens of the closeted community, I think otherwise.  You may be accepted by your friends and family, but what you really want is the D.D.S. of life to come and say, you're good, carry on!   Well, how do we set this appoint with the Divine Designer of the Sexes?  I want that number!

What I'm shootin' at here, and completely missing, is that the decision to be openly gay is personal.  And in my opinion its a rather sacred decision.  You're dealing with some deeply rooted feelings and your random friends on Facebook should not be invited to party in your emotions.   If you feel the need to tell close friends and family to avoid awkward conversation in the future, that's understandable, but everyone else is not a necessity.  It's giving the rest of us closeted folk a bad name.  So please be a little more tactful in the future.

Anyway, back to the title of this post.  More cavities?  More laughing gas?  Yes please.  It's the best legal high I've experienced (just to be clear, the only high I've experience) it is almost worth not brushing your teeth.  So next time you feel the desire to come out on Facebook just go to the dentist, it's far more enjoyable.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

To eat, or not to eat?

Quick rundown: 17 credits, 2 jobs, work 20 hours a week, 3 meetings a week, and so on.  I'm sure the average college student can relate to the hectic schedule that a full time student acquires, and up until this semester I have managed it pretty well.  But I've hit a snag this semester, I'm not eating well.  This is a problem.  I run between 8-10 miles a day and I am beginning to feel the effects of malnutrition, so I'm debating on buying a meal plan to use on campus. It's either that or waste away slowly.

If I had to name one gay trait that I have, it is this.  I'm a connoisseur of fine food.  I love to eat.  I'd rather spend twenty-five dollars on a good meal than on a piece of clothing.  So you can imagine the stress it causes me when I come home and don't have time to eat.  I end up living off of granola bars, orange juice, and candy (quickest way to my heart, SUGAR!)

In my state of starvation yesterday I happened upon one of my favorite places to eat here in Provo, and as chance would have it there was a young, obviously gay couple, on a date.  I smiled to myself and thought, "I'm surrounded." Now, in the past I've prided myself in my gay-identifying abilities (aka gay-dar) this comes as the product of living in Miami Beach and the Florida Keys for a few years.  However, I'm convinced there is a Bermuda Triangle of Provo that throws off said gay-dar.  It's a tad depressing.  My temporary solution is much like a tribal judicial system, gay until proven straight.  It works out pretty well as long as everyone doesn't cross their legs like the couple out for a romantic meal yesterday evening. But, gay or not, a man must eat.  So don't be surprised if you find me researching in-field techniques of gay-dar and its application, within the Provo-triangle that is BYU cafeteria.

I'm Still a Guy

My reluctancy towards coming-out is attached firmly to the reaction I'm sure to receive from my friends.  Here is my unique reason (perhaps it's not unique but I have yet to discover someone who also feels, or has felt this way).  Naturally I'm concerned about my family's response to me being gay.  However, their grief and surprise will come from religious beliefs and traditions not the fact that i'm interrupting the social norm, and I'm ok with that, I enjoy disrupting normality.  I worry far less about distant friends, and church acquaintances stumbling upon my true feelings.  But the real stressor in my life comes from my closest friends.  Now, I can appreciate them thinking I've abandoned the great-ship-zion, and I would do my best to calm their fears and assure them I have a dingy waiting below.  But what I can not handle is the perception change that I believe will follow.  I wish I had sufficient hope to convince myself this wont happen but in my mind it seems inevitable.   Some of you may be thinking, "well they are not very good friends if they think differently of you."  This is true.  I'm confident they will still love me and spend time with me, but said time, will not be the same as it is today.

To clarify and give meaning to the title of this post.  Brad Paisley sings a song entitled I'm Still a Guy wherein he reminds his girlfriend that despite his lapses in manliness when it comes to love, he is still a guy and that will never change.  I concur.  Giddiness pounces me occasionally when I have a crush or prospect of a mutual attraction but I always revert to my guy ways.  Yes I like the outdoors, yes I like guns, yes I like violence, motorcycles, skiing, hunting, cars, tools, and a whole array of manly hobbies and skills, but, news flash, being GAY wont change that.  But in the eyes of my best friend my manly status will fall.  This is a big deal!  We have manly mantages (male personified montage) frequently.

So this is my SOS to my faithful 6 followers.   You are all champions in my book.  What say ye?

P.S.  If you fell prey to insomnia last night and found yourself at my blog you may notice now, the post I wrote late last night has been removed.  I took it down for further editing, you can expect it soon.  It will be worth   the delay.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

For The Love of a Good Woman, or Man, Whichever You Prefer (for this crowd lets assume the latter)

What have you done in the name of love?  Driven hundreds of miles, spent a week's earnings, deceived a friend, broke commandments (gasp) or something else that was without the bounds of your mental homeostasis realm?  The truth is, we all do otherwise irrational things when our passions take over.  We discussed this topic at length today in one of my humanities classes.  Indeed throughout history humans have done crazy things in the name of, or for, someone they profess to love.  Classical literature is littered with accounts of chivalrous knights slaying armies, swimming across great waters, and surviving such great peril just to behold their lady love one more time.  And others, on the other extreme, tell of men going insane when their profession of love to another is rejected or dismissed.  Also, (interesting fact) it was legal in English Common Law to kill a man if you caught him in bed with your wife.  Why, you ask?  Because, said man was not in a reliable or accountable state after finding ones love in bed making love with a lover that was stealing the love which was rightfully his to lovingly receive.  Of course!  What gentleman would question the murderous rampage of a man knowing full well he just found his wife with another guy.  I sure wouldn't.  God bless the Queen!

Anyway, not the point.  My professor presented a lecture that convinced us that for some reason, beyond understanding, our love, lust, or passion, whichever you would like to identify with, has a measurable and noticeable effect on ones reason.  Do you agree or disagree?  I agree and have some stories of my own to back it up, but thats a whole other post TBA.  My ponderings of this topic caused my mind to abandon the classroom and everything else that was going on to further explore this new found tidbit of knowledge.

One particular point my professor made was on lust.  He believes that lust is not a product of Satan, but rather a feeling from within us that Satan or some other evil entity, can draw on the effects of in order to influence us.  However, he cannot produce it.  Maybe its better said this way, we can't blame our lustful acts on the devil. . .dangit!  (time-out, I know this is not new doctrine to the church, but I had just never thought about this way.  I don't want you all thinking I'm easily impressed by these simple doctrines. ok time-in)  So to me this meant my lust/desire/attraction/love for guys is not a temptation? (just so you know this has the makings of an earth-shattering discovery for me, if it turns out to be true).  Now if that  didn't steer my truck in an entirely different direction today I don't know what would've.  Because, frankly I've had a real problem as of late when I hear that homosexuality is a temptation.  I'm not saying it is or isn't but Cervantes just might have been onto something here!

This topic requires some more in-depth thinking before more conclusions can be drawn but I thought it was worth putting out there to spawn greater contemplation from the masses (cause I have 3 followers, you guys rock!).  So expect a return to this subject in the future, but as for now I need sleep before my love of blogging makes me do something ridiculous, as in, stay up all night.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Ode to My BYU Ward

Like a good BYU student I go to church every week.  I have a calling and do my home-teaching.  But I just have to say my ward is special and the demographics are odd.  We have an assortment of houses and small apartment complexes which produce an older than average ward.  Which leaves us with those people who, 1-don't care about marriage (usually engineers) 2-the special spirits or 3-desperate elders, and that about sums it up.

I have mixed feelings about church that surface every week.  Now understand I always go to church but sometimes I'm a little more excited then other days.  I love to teach, so it's usually the days that I teach that i'm excited to go.  Today however was a mixture of the two.  Last night I had a barrage of guilty feelings flow through my subconscious.  Before I knew it I was quoting scriptures to myself and could hear the voices of general authorities echoing through my head reminding me that being gay was not allowed, natural, or possible.  And all those who participated in homosexual activity were in serious trouble with the big man.  So I was left alone wide-eyed in my apartment thinking, "self we're in big trouble, yep, big trouble." So even though I got to teach today I had the rubble of last nights mental D-day washing up on the shores of my inner sanctum.  Luckily I have spent years training my little brain minions to comb the beaches and throw those thoughts back into to sea to re-shore at a later date hoping that reinforcements have arrived prior.

It is difficult to sit through a meeting where everything reminds you of how wrong your thoughts are and  what serious sins being gay can potentially produce.  But I do, I sit there, I let them say it and then I move on hoping it will all make sense some day.  But lets look on the bright side, at least I have been blessed with having no good looking guys in my ward right?

Anyway, I learned today that our character is what will be pulled up on the big screen of the pearly gates when we die and face judgment.  This is based off of Elder Scotts talk, the transforming power of Faith (or something to that effect).  So I resolved to align my character with the principles of the gospel as best as I could.  So i'm putting that out in the cyber-blog world so you all can hold me to it!  Whoever you are.  Cheers.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Some Initial information

So I've mentally threatened to myself that, "I'm going to start a blog!" And 2 years later I finally have. But before I launch myself into the immensities of cyber space, I need to clarify some things. First the title, more importantly the sub-title, I suppose you all have a dictionary so I'm skipping to the subtitle. I presume this is what will bring most individuals to my new-found domain, so I feel obligated to define it. Yes, I am a BYU student in Provo. Phew, now that's over with. . .onto the 'gay' statement. I will use this word loosely throughout my blog so as to keep rhetoric neat. What I mean by G-A-Y is this: I am attracted to the male population of the human species. Does this mean I whistle and wink at every suave gentlemen I see? No. Do I get all giddy about shoes and fashion? No. Do I fit into the stereotypical gay scene/population? Most definitely no. But I DO find the male physique attractive and I definitely notice when a well maintained one passes me by. I am sexually (yes I said it) attracted to guys and their personalities and characteristics. I call myself "Gay" for these reasons, not because i'm uber-liberal, or i'm planning to be present at the next pride march.   My current status is simply 'gay' as defined in the terms prior.

Now if any of that seems confusing, join the club! Hopefully you will see more of my skewed logic emerge as this blog begins to string on.

Onto more important things. Why I am starting a blog? I generally find myself a humorous person and sometimes I need a medium to share my clever wit with the masses, so fellow gay bloggers beware! Alright that may have been misleading. . . I am not an avid follower of gay-mormon-blogs, or any blog for that matter. But I'm assuming thats who will stumble upon this piece of literary genius in the future, hence the warning. Now, back to the topic, why the blog? I have often found myself engaged in some intense mental battles dealing with homosexual topics and society (which includes the church) and I would like to share some of my debates and findings with others in hopes that they may help, enlighten, entertain, or occupy some mental gigs in someones personal hard-drive. I do not wish to tell anyone how to live or tell anyone they are wrong, I just simply would like to share my opinions and thoughts, and invite others to do the same.

I think that about does it for introductory notes. Enjoy!