Tuesday, May 22, 2012

I Run This Town

I'm pretty sure it was on a Nike T-shirt somewhere; I saw this phrase, "I run this town."  Of course it was a running shirt implying the obvious, but for some reason the phrase has stuck with me.  In the case of every town or city I have lived in, I really have 'run' it.  Provo, for example has seen me running on almost every road, street, or pathway during my stent here at BYU.  I know where everything is, and how far about things are.  It is interesting just how much you notice and are able to recall when you pass something repeatedly and slowly (as oppose to a car).  Sometimes I wonder if my approach to being gay is more of an auto-oriented perspective than that of a runner.  I pass things quickly, mentally or physically, and try not to think about it much.  But in so doing I have discovered that I don't understand my personal stance on MY sexuality.  It seems weird, but it's true.  It is a thought I have trained my self to ignore on a detailed scale, and relate to on broad level.  I really don't know how I feel on many things just because I've never allowed myself to think about them.  This has frustrated some of my gay friends, because they seem to have it all figured out, while I continue in a separated happy fantasy.  

So how do I figure these things out?  I have no blasted idea! I suppose that is why I started this blog in the first place (maybe I should read back and make sure), but as you can see I kinda failed at that too.  It feels like I am wearing the physiological running shirt that says, "I ran this town, then moved on."  It's true.  I don't think about being gay near as often as I did before, it doesn't occupy my thoughts, or influence me in ways it previously had.  It appears that I have set my sights on being a successful professional single guy with fancy toys and expensive cars.  This may sound great to some, but it is not what I want.  I really don't want to be single my whole life, I would love to have someone to be with, someone to live with, and someone to share my life with, guy or girl I don't care I just want someone.  Now, obviously I do care, I'd love that individual to be a guy, because i'm attracted to such.  But, the idea of just having a companion is what I'm afraid i'm loosing.  I don't want to live the life as car on an interstate, passing through a city seeing nothing but the sound barricade.  I want to run that city, exploring, seeing, smelling, and enjoying the journey.  How do I get that dream back?

I often tell myself it will change when I leave here, but I'm not so sure.  I'm afraid i'm building mental barriers that are going to be difficult to deconstruct, preventing me from embracing a companion.  I wonder if I am a unique case in this thinking.  I'd imagine not, but it is really starting to concern me.  But until the day comes when this all makes sense in my brain, I'll run this town again.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

It Has Been a While

Well it sure has been a while in fact, I almost forgot I had this blog.  Much has happened in the past (however, long it has been) but not really much on the gay front.  That really isn't that surprising due to the fact, that there is never anything happening on my gay front.  But I just had the urge to put some thoughts down in an attempt to figure out how I feel.

Life is good.  I'm in top physical shape (I hope to run my fastest marathon yet in just a few weeks).  My grades are fantastic, and my academic pursuits are looking great.  I have a good job and great friends.  I have heard the stories of many gay individuals here and around the world.  I hope everyone can see the good in life and I hope everyone knows I'm pulling for them, we're all in this together.