Wednesday, September 28, 2011

I Want To Buy a Diamond Ring

My best friend is proposing to his girlfriend tomorrow.  It is an elaborate scheme which is guaranteed to bring all parties involved to tears.  Except me, I don't cry, ever.  I'm happy for him, it's an exciting step in his life.

Marriage is doctrinal benchmark most LDS men anxiously look forward to.  All the advice and teachings we receive here at BYU are centered around the life changing event of marriage.  We are all promised a happiness we can not yet imagine, a love that can withstand the strongest of trials, a life with children that will make us forever stronger in the gospel, a closer relationship with our Father in Heaven and his Son, and most importantly, a place in the celestial kingdom.  It sounds exciting, I can't wait!

Oh right, what about me?  What about the fat kid and fat-camp that didn't loose any weight?  Is he doomed to a diet of twinkies, bacon, and cake for the rest of his gluttonous life?  Maybe he can try again next year at Camp Cupcake-Light.  Nope, the chances of him seeing his toes again are getting smaller every time he tries [OK that's the end of the fat kid analogy, although I could keep this going a while!]

It's true isn't it?  Each time I try and make an effort to date girls and do what my Priesthood leaders counsel me to do, I fall farther from the goal.  I get more frustrated, I get angry, and I give up for the next six months.  We can always hope that maybe the right girl will come around, smack me up-side the face, and say, marry me you handsome beast you, and it will work out just fine.  But that hasn't happened yet.  Instead I sit on the sidelines helping everybody else with their amazing proposal, smiling at those that say, "someday you'll be doing this!" or "you just wait!"  And that's exactly what I will do, wait for that time that I fear will never come, and pretend it doesn't bother me.

Do I sound bitter?  I may, because I might be slightly irked that I don't see any point in the near future where I get to buy a beautiful diamond ring, get down on one knee, and pop the question and watch the reaction of someone who loves me more than anything say, "YES!"  Could I find a guy to share that with?  I'm sure I can.  But, it's not the same.  A gay marriage will never bring the same social and religious excitement a traditional marriage would.  It would be like the fat kid graduating fat camp because  they didn't want him to feel bad and fall into a comatose depression, it's just not the same.

But! no worries, I love my life, and enjoy every day of it.  There are many exciting things in my future I'm sure, sometimes I just complain for the sake of complaining.  You know, I complain whens it's hot, I complain when it's cold, I complain when it rains, smells, when i'm tiered, or when i'm gay.  It's nothing new, I don't expect it to help or change the way I feel, it's just fun to complain.  So thanks for reading you all are champions!

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

The Title Says It All

I wrote this post almost a year ago and just discovered it in my archives.  I found I have maintained the opinions expressed below.

[DISCLAIMER: The following is written with the assumption that the modal temptation for gay LDS men is sex, including all facets.]

The band All Time Low inspired the title of this humble blog.  Their song Poison contains the line , "I've got a road, and it leads to decadence."  It has become a favorite of mine, the phrase, not the song.  Although, the song contains a message I find myself relating to more frequently than I care to recall.

As I have become more aware of my homosexuality I have been introduced to temptations of varying types and severity.  When sixteen and sitting in Priests quorum I never conceived I would encounter such thoughts as these, nor did I expect them to frequently re-assert themselves into my life once I had.  Do I sound bitter?  Because I'm not.  Do I feel I have it more difficult than others do in this life?  Surly not.  Do I believe I have a deeper perspective on righteousness and wickedness than those who need only postpone intimacy for a brief engagement?  I do. (no pun intended, but secretly appreciated)  Notice I said deeper perspective not understanding.  Now, I understand that statement falls short of grammar rule, but let me explain.  I don't view my perspective deeper, simply because gay-guys don't have any more options in sin than straight-people do when it comes to life's choices.  However, we do tend to have a vision that pierces the eternities and recalls the past when actions are mixed with Mormon doctrine.  Consider this.  You're faced with the opportunity to kiss a man knowing full well the 'road to decadence' that decision puts you on.  Depending on your level of homeostatic thinking (see earlier post) you consider the consequences of your action.  Then perhaps later, you consider your past choices that led up to this decision.  What does that give you?  A deeper perspective.  Repeat the thought process multiple times and your an expert.  [DISCLAIMER: I understand that the above method can be applied to any transgression of a gay or straight nature and need not be exclusive to sexual acts.]

While everyone faces the cause-and-effect thought chains I submit that gays, particularly LDS gays, deal with this at a far higher frequency then the general mormon population.  And I have met, conversed with, heard of, and read about a number of gay mormons that do not handle this well.  My question is why?  The answer has far too many variables to be constrained to a mere blogpost, however I think we should all discover within ourselves just how far down that road we plan on traveling.  [DISCLAIMER last one: These feelings will be exponentially worse when comparing a closeted individual to someone who has decided to live an open gay lifestyle.]

I hope this is understandable and you (the virtual masses) do not write me off as an infant, naive to this way of thinking.  Honestly it took some mental kneading to put it into words, and I'm confident I did it little justice, but at least it helped me.  Yes, I'm claiming self betterment on this grossly opaque post.  If it offends just skip over it as it was not intended to sway anyones way of thinking, merely to express mine. What was the point?  In short I attempted to explain why I gave my blog the above name suggesting that just because we are gay that doesn't give us merit to become immoral and irresponsible, instead we should be more understanding, kind, and patient with those who find themselves on different roads.

Why I'm Not FAT

I run a lot.  So much so, people worry.  They question my sanity, health, and basic cognitive capabilities.  Usually people look at me much like a child looks at broccoli when they first hear of my exercise habits.  When I meet, shall we say, less enthusiastic runners the conversation generally goes something like this:

Concerned citizen:  "How far did you run?"
Me:  "Oh, about 10 miles."
Surprised citizen:  "Woah. . .uh. . .Why?!"
Me:  "That's all I had time for"  (I've perfected this response)
Shocked citizen:  "How long does it take you?"
Me:  "About 1 hour 15 minutes."
Baffled citizen:  "Gross, why?!"

etc. etc. etc. It's a vicious cycle.

While the exclamatory is almost certain to change the general reaction is quite the same.  Even my family who is accustom to my running still occasionally gives me the child-broccoli stare.  So why do I run? It's simple.  When I was a young hormonal teenager I learned that exercise was supposed be a great channel for that pubescent frustration.  So thats what I did, I ran.  As I grew older and teenage angst turned into outright sexual tension I ran further and faster, yet still on my mission I found more events that left me running with my companions following on bike or in the car.  And when I returned home my inability to find girls attractive turned me into a running machine.  I ran everyday, regardless of the weather or temperature, I was nearly struck by lightning, run over on several occasions, bit by dogs, lost in the mountains, stranded without water, and much more exciting events found their way littered throughout my daily runs.  Let's think for a moment, what else would make you barf in the middle of the road, crap your pants, and run till you experience hematuria?  The correct answer is, homosexuality.  Yes, running was and still is the way I deal with it.  So when people ask me why I run I would love to yell, "BECAUSE I'M GAY!" Instead I leave them perplexed with just a shrug and smile.

Monday, September 26, 2011

And We're Back, Well Maybe

It's been a while since I have posted.  In fact I had to break into my own blog because I couldn't remember my login info, but alas I am back.  For those of you just joining us, or those of you who forgotten all about me and am surprised when this shows up on your updated blog listings, here is the rundown.  Last semester ended well, the summer was a party (I still have my tan) this semester is crazy, and yes I'm still gay.  

At least I think so.

Today, was a first.  OK not actually a first but it's been a while.  I thought to myself, "maybe I can date and marry a girl."  It was a strange feeling and a thought I haven't put much effort into for quite a while.  The issue has been weighing on my mind all day (the whole past 3 hours) so I started thinking what I would have to do to make that happen.  I quickly overheated my brain with this new avenue of development that I have paused to write.

I came home after class, which is odd because I usually go to work and started to look at some old blogs that I remember reading.  In the coming days I hope to yarf up my thoughts in some organized manner on this blog for the masses to read, but let's be honest it's mostly for me to read, because shoot I read some of my old posts and I crack myself up!  Especially the one I never published.  Anyway, moving one.  As I get older and more mature in my BYU career the push for marriage and blissful courtship is regularly invading my personal space.  My mother, my professors, my friends, my boss, my other boss, some random lady who i've never met told me to get married as I ran by the temple, oh and did I mention my Mother?  Seriously, tact has left the building and random people are just yelling at me, "hey you get married already!"  Sometimes I wish I could say, "The prophet told me not too!"  Just to watch their reaction.  But that's not gonna happen anytime in the near-ish future.  I'm still my closeted little self who is seen as the person who spends all his time on school and high-octane adrenaline sports, clearly I don't have time for women.  Yes, I am the one President Monson was talking to when he was addressing those young men who are going on extravagant vacations and buying expensive toys instead of ushering the beautiful young ladies to the alter in droves. 

In short, I'm back to the blogging world hoping that it helps me sort the various "files of important things" I have created in my head.  So saddle up!