Tuesday, September 27, 2011

The Title Says It All

I wrote this post almost a year ago and just discovered it in my archives.  I found I have maintained the opinions expressed below.

[DISCLAIMER: The following is written with the assumption that the modal temptation for gay LDS men is sex, including all facets.]

The band All Time Low inspired the title of this humble blog.  Their song Poison contains the line , "I've got a road, and it leads to decadence."  It has become a favorite of mine, the phrase, not the song.  Although, the song contains a message I find myself relating to more frequently than I care to recall.

As I have become more aware of my homosexuality I have been introduced to temptations of varying types and severity.  When sixteen and sitting in Priests quorum I never conceived I would encounter such thoughts as these, nor did I expect them to frequently re-assert themselves into my life once I had.  Do I sound bitter?  Because I'm not.  Do I feel I have it more difficult than others do in this life?  Surly not.  Do I believe I have a deeper perspective on righteousness and wickedness than those who need only postpone intimacy for a brief engagement?  I do. (no pun intended, but secretly appreciated)  Notice I said deeper perspective not understanding.  Now, I understand that statement falls short of grammar rule, but let me explain.  I don't view my perspective deeper, simply because gay-guys don't have any more options in sin than straight-people do when it comes to life's choices.  However, we do tend to have a vision that pierces the eternities and recalls the past when actions are mixed with Mormon doctrine.  Consider this.  You're faced with the opportunity to kiss a man knowing full well the 'road to decadence' that decision puts you on.  Depending on your level of homeostatic thinking (see earlier post) you consider the consequences of your action.  Then perhaps later, you consider your past choices that led up to this decision.  What does that give you?  A deeper perspective.  Repeat the thought process multiple times and your an expert.  [DISCLAIMER: I understand that the above method can be applied to any transgression of a gay or straight nature and need not be exclusive to sexual acts.]

While everyone faces the cause-and-effect thought chains I submit that gays, particularly LDS gays, deal with this at a far higher frequency then the general mormon population.  And I have met, conversed with, heard of, and read about a number of gay mormons that do not handle this well.  My question is why?  The answer has far too many variables to be constrained to a mere blogpost, however I think we should all discover within ourselves just how far down that road we plan on traveling.  [DISCLAIMER last one: These feelings will be exponentially worse when comparing a closeted individual to someone who has decided to live an open gay lifestyle.]

I hope this is understandable and you (the virtual masses) do not write me off as an infant, naive to this way of thinking.  Honestly it took some mental kneading to put it into words, and I'm confident I did it little justice, but at least it helped me.  Yes, I'm claiming self betterment on this grossly opaque post.  If it offends just skip over it as it was not intended to sway anyones way of thinking, merely to express mine. What was the point?  In short I attempted to explain why I gave my blog the above name suggesting that just because we are gay that doesn't give us merit to become immoral and irresponsible, instead we should be more understanding, kind, and patient with those who find themselves on different roads.

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