Sunday, March 17, 2013

Maiden Voyage

I have many ideas that I hope to one day bash into literary form for this blog because I secretly hope that somebody out there will read them and find the help, hope, or motivation they were looking for.  Tonight, however, they are just not coming together.  I'll admit I've started this post several times but nothing seemed to hold my attention long enough except for one question, "why are people gay?"  Now this is a question for the ages, and undoubtedly guaranteed to spark some heated debate among today's pontificators.

In my understanding homosexual feelings enter into one's mind by one of the following:

1.  They are introduced to it via abuse or other means.
2.  Recognition of feelings and thoughts, that seem to have been present for a lifetime.
3.  Temptation, yes the wily acts of that wretched Lucifer.
4.  Basic hormones, your horny, it doesn't matter, whoever is closest wins.

Category 1: I'm not schooled on so I'll leave that alone, 2 is difficult to challenge and/or prove so i'll leave that for the pride marches, 3 is a topic I have some thoughts on, and lastly 4 I have often thought about.

So which is it for you?  Most people I have talked to say they have always had these feelings.  But as previous post reveal such as not been the case for me.  Others I have met, say some sort of abuse set them on this path.  But, whatever the reason we have the decision, what to about it, today.  Recently I have made several gay friends who have told me something a long the lines of, "if I never try it out, how am I supposed to decide what I like."  Of course they are referring to entering the gay dating scene and such.  I have mixed feelings about this.  First off, if you're not sure about your sexuality, experimentation may not be the most effective initial step.  There are definitely things you can't get back.  Secondly, "trying it out," isn't fair to you or those who participate with you.  And lastly, it will not make your decision easier to make especially for a LDS guy, in fact it will most likely complicate the matter.

I have a good friend who has recently been delving into the world of dating. . .guys.  As far as I know this is a new endeavor for him.  He has become increasingly frustrated as one may expect from an upstanding LDS guy becoming acquainted with the boys of Utah county.  Now, before we get all worked up, I'm sure there are some great guys out there, but experience has shown those guys are few and far between.  I feel for the guy because he has found a guy he likes a lot, but it seems like the other guy isn't quite into him on the same level.  So some advice, if my advice is worth anything.  Proceed with caution, make your intentions clear, and accept the consequences of your actions.  Remember, the race is long so enjoy every mile.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Switching Shoes Switching Lives

Sometimes I wonder if this is more a running blog than anything else.  While my love for running does not need to be restated, you will have to excuse my repeated references to running or my beginning a thought with, "while running today," because frequently my most impressionable thoughts or insights come to me while i'm running.  Such as this morning.

This year marks a true benchmark in my running career.  I have changed shoes. (GASP! I know!)  I have run in same model of shoe for over five years now with fierce loyalty.  Why, you ask?  Simply, because I'm a creature of habit.  More importantly, the shoes rock!  I have never had a running related injury that could be even partially blamed on my shoe of choice, so if it ain't broke don't fix it.  I tried once, two years ago, I switched shoes a few weeks before a marathon and my knees still hold a grudge.  But this year things are different.  I knew coming out of winter my miles were down and it was time to move to a more neutral cushioned shoe.  So I took the plunge and bought some.  [I wasn't too worried because Brooks running shoes can be sent back within 30 days even if you wear them.  I had run about 250 miles in the previously mentioned cursed shoes and sent them back for a full refund.]  I am several weeks and many miles into my new shoes and loving them, I have no complaints.  Initially, I was really apprehensive about switching, I was noticing every unusual ache or tenderness in an effort to discredit my new shoes, but to no avail.  My feet are adjusting well and my new shoes have have influenced me to once again, run happy (Brooks slogan).

As I near graduation and face the reality of moving away from BYU I am faced with a decision.  Do I continue to be active in the church and fight the urge to date guys, or do I move to a new city and start a new chapter in my epic homo-saga and be open with myself.  I have gone full-steam-ahead with both ideas.  One day I'm set on going back to my fully invested mormon self, and the next I've convinced myself it's time to join the local gay club.  In essence I am scared to get new shoes.  Will I hurt myself by breaking out of my habitual life?  Am I missing something by not?  Will life be better, worse, or the same?  Will I wish I'd never changed due to unrepairable damage? I DON'T KNOW!  Unlike shoes, there is no going back.  I can't say I'm gay one day and two weeks later take it back.  Life does not give full refunds.  I'm stuck with my half-worn pair of shoes that I'll never be able to use again.  So what do I do my friends?  What has your experience taught you?

I bought multiple pairs of the same shoe the other day and the teller looked at me and asked, somewhat hesitantly, "are these the same?"  I just smiled and replied, "yep."  Clearly she wasn't a runner.  Unfortunately I don't have multiple lives to wear out, I get one shot at this.  Here's to hoping I make the right decision.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

The Green Light

And. . .we're back!  It appears in my absence my blog has become more popular, strange, apparently I'm fascinating when I'm not saying anything.  Oh well it's due time for a dip in the ratings so here we go!

[Quick Update:  Still at BYU, graduate in April, still gay, heading to grad school (not sure where yet), still running etc etc etc]

As spring approaches my running workouts have changed from winter-maintaince to pre-marathon-I'm-gonna-kick-A-this year, for those in the crowd wondering, the latter is far more intense and fun!  Now that it is not northern Siberia weather in Provo I can run without fear of slipping on ice and associated obstacles.  When the sun comes out around BYU the runners come out of the woodwork, literally like locusts, they're everywhere!  I don't complain much because there are few things I enjoy more than guys running, the ladies, meh usually not impressive, but fit guys getting their cardio in is a great site.  However, not the point.

The Point is, what are all these people running for?  Surely they are not runners, because I never saw them in the winter, and there is like four of us on the indoor track that actually run, so where did they come from?  What are they doing?  I'm sure it's the usual "get in shape" routine, work on the "beach body" or gotta train for the family 5K. But whatever the reason I'm proud of you! I may yell, "run faster" out the window as I pass you but it's all encouragement I assure you.  After all, why put on your fancy exercise clothes to walk?  But of all the unique things I observe from my fair-weather running crowd, one thing in particular is my favorite.  You've all seen it, the girl (sorry girls but it usually is you) waiting at an intersection jogging in place, and checking their pulse.  Really chick?  You're working that hard that 11 seconds is gonna throw off your groove?  Plus pulse checking while bouncing up and down is difficult and surely not accurate (and I would bet you don't even know your target heart rate anyway).  Then the light changes, they bolt across the intersection trying to fool everybody that this is their normal pace, only to make it half a block.   Just FYI a serious runner, in my experience stands there looking irritated that the traffic-light gods are taking their coffee break.  I've never witnessed the cross-country team jog in place at a light.  So if you are one of these people (chances are slim cause this a gay hangout blog where ladies tend to be sparse) just realize that everyone may be looking at you because you look ridiculous not because they are impressed with you fitness level.

Moral of the story is (yes I'm gonna try to tie this in) in my gay run of life when I hit an obstacle, such as stop light, I'm not going to sit there and pretend that everything is still moving along swimmingly while hap-hazardly trying to check my vitals, I'm gonna stop, be annoyed that I had to stop, then motor on when I get the green light.  You see, it is those people that want to be seen so they pretend to continue running, and believe they working harder than those who just wait, that usually flip a biscuit when you get a false start due to a retarded left turn arrow!  The truth is, because you never stopped to actually pay attention to what halted your forward momentum in the first place, you end up not understanding your circumstance and getting run over by the guy turning left.  There is much to be learned if you patiently observe your circumstance and move forward when it is time.

Well that was deep.  Or it is late and I'm tiered, so it seems deep.  Either way I will continue mock those that jog in place at an intersection.  Because, I love you, seriously.