Monday, October 15, 2012

The Usual Rant

I don't expect my challenges to be unique to me, nor do I assume that I'm the only one struggling along the straight and narrow path.  But sometimes you share what your dealing with to relieve the pressure within oneself and perhaps help another.  I choose to divulge my feelings on this blog (apparently not very often) because I'm not in a situation to share these issues with my friends or those around me.  For those of you joining us for the first time, I'm a twenty-somthing senior at BYU who is gay just trying to figure life out.  

I struggle keeping gay friends.  Apparently I'm not "very gay" and consequently I'm not in touch with my sensitive side.  Often my friends--gay and straight alike--are hurt by my disinterest in hanging out with them.  I enjoy hanging out with friends but I also enjoy my time alone doing my own thing.  I'm upfront about this part of my personality, but eventually everybody seems to expect more out of the relationship than I do.  Such expectation leads to disappointment, anger, and eventual friendship abandonment.  I try to be better and try to be a good friend but it is evidently not enough.

I'm working on it.

My guy friends don't seem to have a problem with it.  I can go days not talking to them and we are still best friends.  I would hope one day to have a friend like that who is also gay.  I have put a reasonable amount of effort into finding gay friends over the past year but I haven't had much luck.  I hear rumors and catch glimpses of other gay guys who may be from the same type of mold as me, but I have yet been able to meet one.

The spiritual dilemma.  As many of us mormon guys know, it is difficult to sit through church and not feel as if you are being scolded for being gay.  Whether you have broken commandments or not, the ever present judgment of God is staring you in the face.  This is a difficult circumstance.  One I would wish I had no part of.  But I keep going, waiting for that day when my path is clear and bright.

I spoke with a friend today who just got out of a serious relationship.  Seriously, she was planning a wedding.  She has a great life and is hopeful for the future.  I wish I knew how that felt.  Don't get me wrong, I have a great life too and am very hopeful for my future.  But a future shared with someone special seems ever so distant.  Occasionally those I care most about don't have time for me, which is understandable, we all have lives.  It is at times like these where I feel the most isolated.  Isolated from friends, God, family, and my accomplishments.  It's a strange feeling--total isolation.  Generally I snap back to reality quickly and return to normal cognitive capacity realizing it is no use stressing about something you can't change.

I'm often charged by leaders and teachers with phrases like, "rise up oh men of God." I often imagine what this metaphorical army would look like.  I feel like I would be standing outside of the ranks, wearing the same uniform,  but watching as the soldiers marched off to war leaving me behind unnoticed struggling to keep up.  

Life is good.  It's never what we planned it to be but it is still our life.  I'll enjoy my life whether my friends join me or not.  I'll enjoy the isolation so I enjoy the company.  I'll do my best to do my duty even if I'm alone.  Life is good, challenges come, but i'm working on it.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

I Run This Town

I'm pretty sure it was on a Nike T-shirt somewhere; I saw this phrase, "I run this town."  Of course it was a running shirt implying the obvious, but for some reason the phrase has stuck with me.  In the case of every town or city I have lived in, I really have 'run' it.  Provo, for example has seen me running on almost every road, street, or pathway during my stent here at BYU.  I know where everything is, and how far about things are.  It is interesting just how much you notice and are able to recall when you pass something repeatedly and slowly (as oppose to a car).  Sometimes I wonder if my approach to being gay is more of an auto-oriented perspective than that of a runner.  I pass things quickly, mentally or physically, and try not to think about it much.  But in so doing I have discovered that I don't understand my personal stance on MY sexuality.  It seems weird, but it's true.  It is a thought I have trained my self to ignore on a detailed scale, and relate to on broad level.  I really don't know how I feel on many things just because I've never allowed myself to think about them.  This has frustrated some of my gay friends, because they seem to have it all figured out, while I continue in a separated happy fantasy.  

So how do I figure these things out?  I have no blasted idea! I suppose that is why I started this blog in the first place (maybe I should read back and make sure), but as you can see I kinda failed at that too.  It feels like I am wearing the physiological running shirt that says, "I ran this town, then moved on."  It's true.  I don't think about being gay near as often as I did before, it doesn't occupy my thoughts, or influence me in ways it previously had.  It appears that I have set my sights on being a successful professional single guy with fancy toys and expensive cars.  This may sound great to some, but it is not what I want.  I really don't want to be single my whole life, I would love to have someone to be with, someone to live with, and someone to share my life with, guy or girl I don't care I just want someone.  Now, obviously I do care, I'd love that individual to be a guy, because i'm attracted to such.  But, the idea of just having a companion is what I'm afraid i'm loosing.  I don't want to live the life as car on an interstate, passing through a city seeing nothing but the sound barricade.  I want to run that city, exploring, seeing, smelling, and enjoying the journey.  How do I get that dream back?

I often tell myself it will change when I leave here, but I'm not so sure.  I'm afraid i'm building mental barriers that are going to be difficult to deconstruct, preventing me from embracing a companion.  I wonder if I am a unique case in this thinking.  I'd imagine not, but it is really starting to concern me.  But until the day comes when this all makes sense in my brain, I'll run this town again.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

It Has Been a While

Well it sure has been a while in fact, I almost forgot I had this blog.  Much has happened in the past (however, long it has been) but not really much on the gay front.  That really isn't that surprising due to the fact, that there is never anything happening on my gay front.  But I just had the urge to put some thoughts down in an attempt to figure out how I feel.

Life is good.  I'm in top physical shape (I hope to run my fastest marathon yet in just a few weeks).  My grades are fantastic, and my academic pursuits are looking great.  I have a good job and great friends.  I have heard the stories of many gay individuals here and around the world.  I hope everyone can see the good in life and I hope everyone knows I'm pulling for them, we're all in this together.