Tuesday, May 22, 2012

I Run This Town

I'm pretty sure it was on a Nike T-shirt somewhere; I saw this phrase, "I run this town."  Of course it was a running shirt implying the obvious, but for some reason the phrase has stuck with me.  In the case of every town or city I have lived in, I really have 'run' it.  Provo, for example has seen me running on almost every road, street, or pathway during my stent here at BYU.  I know where everything is, and how far about things are.  It is interesting just how much you notice and are able to recall when you pass something repeatedly and slowly (as oppose to a car).  Sometimes I wonder if my approach to being gay is more of an auto-oriented perspective than that of a runner.  I pass things quickly, mentally or physically, and try not to think about it much.  But in so doing I have discovered that I don't understand my personal stance on MY sexuality.  It seems weird, but it's true.  It is a thought I have trained my self to ignore on a detailed scale, and relate to on broad level.  I really don't know how I feel on many things just because I've never allowed myself to think about them.  This has frustrated some of my gay friends, because they seem to have it all figured out, while I continue in a separated happy fantasy.  

So how do I figure these things out?  I have no blasted idea! I suppose that is why I started this blog in the first place (maybe I should read back and make sure), but as you can see I kinda failed at that too.  It feels like I am wearing the physiological running shirt that says, "I ran this town, then moved on."  It's true.  I don't think about being gay near as often as I did before, it doesn't occupy my thoughts, or influence me in ways it previously had.  It appears that I have set my sights on being a successful professional single guy with fancy toys and expensive cars.  This may sound great to some, but it is not what I want.  I really don't want to be single my whole life, I would love to have someone to be with, someone to live with, and someone to share my life with, guy or girl I don't care I just want someone.  Now, obviously I do care, I'd love that individual to be a guy, because i'm attracted to such.  But, the idea of just having a companion is what I'm afraid i'm loosing.  I don't want to live the life as car on an interstate, passing through a city seeing nothing but the sound barricade.  I want to run that city, exploring, seeing, smelling, and enjoying the journey.  How do I get that dream back?

I often tell myself it will change when I leave here, but I'm not so sure.  I'm afraid i'm building mental barriers that are going to be difficult to deconstruct, preventing me from embracing a companion.  I wonder if I am a unique case in this thinking.  I'd imagine not, but it is really starting to concern me.  But until the day comes when this all makes sense in my brain, I'll run this town again.


1 comment:

  1. Oh my goodness, I can totally relate!

    I was feeling that exact same way my last year at BYU in 2009-2010, and it was finally dawning on me how futile everything seemed and pointless. I wasn't depressed--I was actually quite surface-happy, but I was somehow distraught and didn't want to deal with it.

    After graduation, in 2011 I had an internship in Hong Kong for six months where I basically lived alone, but my whole social life was through the Church. The work I did and where and how I lived were all pretty representative of what I thought I could expect my future "professional" life to be like. And, I realized after not very long that I would not be happy. Something had to change about the view of "MY sexuality," as you say. I could no longer "drive by" but would have to "walk" roads I was avoiding but would certainly have to travel, somehow, my whole life.

    Although I didn't (and to a great extent) don't know what this change should entail, one thing I was sure of was that I had to be open about my sexuality. I couldn't honestly expect to receive the blessings promised me by "the Gospel" (by which I mean not just the actual Gospel--in its pure form--but gospel "doctrine," the Church, the Church lifestyle, everything) unless I was approaching it (all that stuff) honestly, not denying myself but accepting of whatever it had to offer the "full me," if that makes sense.

    Anyway, it took my starting to "come out" to family and friends before I finally started realizing what you are already realizing, that I had not been confronting my _own_ thoughts and opinions and feelings about all sorts of things that had, nevertheless, existed subconsciously all that time. For my personality especially, vocalizing the reality of my situation to others with whom I was invested made my situation "real" to _me_, and I could no longer avoid confronting how I really felt about things.

    It's funny, as I allowed myself to mentally "get out of the car" and "walk" these roads, it seemed to me that I had partitioned my conscious, with one partition moving along making value judgments about various things based on how they "should" be given the assumptions that kept me "in the car" all that time. But, at the same time, the other partition was making parallel value judgments which, in many cases were more logically sound, but my conscious realization of them was blocked off by the dominance of the other partition. But, as I let that wall break down, I realized that actually I had harbored these "new" ideas for years, and it was more comfortable to acknowledge them. This process was incredibly painful and internally tumultuous (to the point of causing physical pain at times), but it's been worth it.

    Anyway, given my own experience, I'm amazed you recognize that you are denying yourself freedom of thought in certain ways, though maybe your talking to your "gay friends" (which I never really had until I started being open publicly) has served the same function for you that vocalizing the reality of my situation to others had for me in waking up your consciousness.

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