Thursday, October 27, 2011

You're Gay

I have had several people ask me how I knew I was gay and when.  From what I gather, this is the question that many mohos seem to be interested in.  So let me tell you.  

I was 21 and had been back from my mission for a few months.  During these few months I had been spending some time with this girl that I had known most of my life.  After a few weeks I could tell she was starting to really like me and wanted to make our relationship more personal.  Me, on the other hand, was having a moral dilemma.  See I thought this girl was amazing she was beautiful, outgoing, and we had a lot of things in common.  Everybody had pretty much decided we were going to get married.  But I was feeling nothing.  Literally I was indifferent on the subject.  This really bothered me.  I couldn't figure out why I wasn't all giddy and excited about the possibility of having this beautiful girl to date.  I had said many prayer asking God what was up with me and if she was the right one for me.  A few days past and it was time for our weekend date again.  I don't even remember what we did that evening.  All I remember is when I pulled into her driveway we sat there in my truck looking at each other.  Then she finally asked me, "what are we?"  I laughed and tried to play dumb but we both knew what discussion was coming.  I tried to play the, "I just got home, I don't know . . .bla bla bla" card but it didn't work.  She said that she wanted to try and see how we did has boyfriend and girlfriend.  I laughed again and said, "ok let's sleep on it and I'll see you tomorrow."  Because we had already planned another activity.  That night was one of the worst nights of my life to date.  I couldn't sleep I was scared, because I knew I didn't like her like that and I didn't know how to tell her, more importantly I didn't know why I had no feelings at all.  So the next day came and it was awkward and I told her after our date that I wasn't ready for a relationship yet, and I left it at that.  It was this night on my drive home that the thought came to my mind, "you're gay, and you know it."  

I had never ever thought of this.  I was 21 not some teenager going through puberty.  I had never looked at a guy and thought wow what a beautiful man.  But as I drove home that night scenarios of my life began to flash through my mind and I finally started to realize why I had never kissed a girl.  I realized I wasn't physically attracted to them and that I was indeed attracted to the male physique.  I began to realize that when I looked at an attractive guy growing up I often tried to replicate the look, style or activity.  Whatever it was, I was trying to look like the person I found attractive.  And the rest is history.  

I still sometimes think that I am not gay and that it was a simple thought that my mind became obsessed with and the obsession has grown into a way of life.  I have talked with my bishop (past bishop) about it and that was an interesting conversation that needs much more time than I have tonight.  Regardless, I don't look at a particular even that made me gay, but I do vividly remember the first time I thought it.  I don't blame anybody or anything, I just need to decide what to do now.  Until then I'll run.

9 comments:

  1. Fascinating. I can totally relate. I never really thought of myself as even possibly being "gay" until years after I recognized a bunch of feelings I'd felt previously as sexual. I can also relate to the frustration of being friends with amazing, wonderful, girls and just not feeling like you can take it to the next level. For me that has been very painful because it feels like it's not fair for me or the girl. *sigh*

    "I still sometimes think that I am not gay and that it was a simple thought that my mind became obsessed with and the obsession has grown into a way of life."

    Man... I can relate to that to. I still don't know how I feel about this. I think this confusion and ambivalence is where all my angst on this issue comes from and why so many people take such polar views and approaches on the subject before they can find peace for themselves. I consider different scenarios, but any sense of peace I'm getting always is destroyed later by some "what if." ... Maybe I should take up running, ha.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Great post. A very unique experience in my opinion. I sometimes wonder if LDS folks don't really understand they are gay as teenagers because of the way Mormon society simply rejects it completely as an acceptable state. So we simply refuse to acknowledge what we are taught is impossible.

    ReplyDelete
  3. ControllerOne, I think that's exactly right. Not just LDS but anyone from a conservative background, to be fair.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I didn't admit it to myself until my mom asked me if I thought I was. This was also after my mission. I think we don't know tell late because we are taught to not even date serious until after our missions. That's when we have to face the music.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Trev,I think you are probably right. I can only frame the issue from my experiences which were exclusively LDS. However, it's likely that anyone from a conservative religious background has much the same experience.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I had similar experiences when I was dating my now wife.....all I can say is yay for running

    ReplyDelete
  7. I definately can relate... I worry a lot about whether or not I am actually sexually attracted to guys, or whether the fear itself and the obsession is what's fueling the fire. I'll ask myself: "What if all of this worrying is for nothing?" but whether it's absolutely true... or just in my head, the issue is real and has a large effect on my life. I'm in Provo too, worrying about the same things.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Thanks for your comments guys. It's nice to know that i'm not alone.

    ReplyDelete
  9. If it is any consolation, I was 45 whenI realized I was gay.

    ReplyDelete