Following church I made dinner for a few friends including my little sister. While eating I was surrounded by people and still felt quite alone. Next, I was invited to go watch a movie at my roommates fiancé's parents house with some other friends of ours. But that was the last thing I wanted. Who wants to go socialize with an engaged couple and girls your not interested in? Not me. So I stayed home and started watching a movie of my own. My depressed feelings quickly began to escalate to anger. I was getting mad, my heart was pounding and I just needed to hit something. My body kept telling me I had to run or I was going to hurt somebody or break something, but it was dark and I had just ate, surely I would vomit. So I did the next best thing. I did laundry, cleaned my room, and sacrificed some money to the iTunes Gods. It worked. I calmed myself down, and am feeling much better. My problems are not gone, I have just successfully beat them into submission once more. I worry that one of these days I wont' be able to subdue my feelings and I'll just snap, the idea of which keeps me constantly on edge and somewhat recluse.
I need a new constant in life. For the longest time my constant guiding star was the Church. When that began to dim it was family, followed by school and capping off at being gay. However, all of these defense systems are hitting DEFCON 2 and I don't know what will happen when they fail. I currently find myself living for the day the snow falls so I can loose myself on the ski slopes. But until then I will wait with all the patience I can muster for a north-star to appear.