Monday, October 24, 2011

Bishop, Dinner, Anger, DEFCON 2

A little introspection.  Every-now-and-then I have those days where I just feel down.  Today happened to be one such day.  I've never been able to pin point why these feelings come on, the best I can figure is they occur much like my migraines, randomly yet oddly consistent.  I suppose it began today at church.  You see, I have been trying to meet with my bishop for the last few months and either he or I end up being out of town or sick, so our meeting has yet to happen.  I decided this week that I was done trying, obviously some force greater than I doesn't want said meeting to happen.  So I left it up to the bishop.  He knows I've been trying to talk to him, and if he feels so impressed to invite me into his office i'll go, but until then I'm in this battle alone.  That being said, I left church feeling a bit inconsequential, apparently God doesn't care that I'm trying to follow his gospel.  (I know this isn't true but the thought frequently attempts to enter into my mind.)

Following church I made dinner for a few friends including my little sister.  While eating I was surrounded by people and still felt quite alone.  Next, I was invited to go watch a movie at my roommates fiancé's parents house with some other friends of ours.  But that was the last thing I wanted.  Who wants to go socialize with an engaged couple and girls your not interested in?  Not me.  So I stayed home and started watching a movie of my own.  My depressed feelings quickly began to escalate to anger.  I was getting mad, my heart was pounding and I just needed to hit something.  My body kept telling me I had to run or I was going to hurt somebody or break something, but it was dark and I had just ate, surely I would vomit.   So I did the next best thing.  I did laundry, cleaned my room, and sacrificed some money to the iTunes Gods.  It worked.  I calmed myself down, and am feeling much better.  My problems are not gone,  I have just successfully beat them into submission once more.  I worry that one of these days I wont' be able to subdue my feelings and I'll just snap, the idea of which keeps me constantly on edge and somewhat recluse. 

I need a new constant in life.  For the longest time my constant guiding star was the Church.  When that began to dim it was family, followed by school and capping off at being gay.  However, all of these defense systems are hitting DEFCON 2 and I don't know what will happen when they fail.  I currently find myself living for the day the snow falls so I can loose myself on the ski slopes.  But until then I will wait with all the patience I can muster for a north-star to appear.


  1. If you really were "getting man", I guess it can't have been too bad. But more seriously, I have yet to figure out a way to prevent those random bouts of depression in myself. I"m sorry that you get them, too.

  2. speaking of northstar...
    have you considered joinging the conversation?