Why the Decadence?

My best friend is proposing to his girlfriend tomorrow.  It is an elaborate scheme which is guaranteed to bring all parties involved to tears.  Except me, I don't cry, ever.  I'm happy for him, it's an exciting step in his life. Marriage is doctrinal benchmark most LDS men anxiously look forward to.  All the advice and teachings we receive here at BYU are centered around the life changing event of marriage.  We are all promised a happiness we can not yet imagine, a love that can withstand the strongest of trials, a life with children that will make us forever stronger in the gospel, a closer relationship with our Father in Heaven and his Son, and most importantly, a place in the celestial kingdom.  It sounds exciting, I can't wait! Oh right, what about me?  What about the fat kid and fat-camp that didn't loose any weight?  Is he doomed to a diet of twinkies, bacon, and cake for the rest of his gluttonous life?  Maybe he can try again next...

I wrote this post almost a year ago and just discovered it in my archives.  I found I have maintained the opinions expressed below. [DISCLAIMER: The following is written with the assumption that the modal temptation for gay LDS men is sex, including all facets.] The band All Time Low inspired the title of this humble blog.  Their song Poison contains the line , "I've got a road, and it leads to decadence."  It has become a favorite of mine, the phrase, not the song.  Although, the song contains a message I find myself relating to more frequently than I care to recall. As I have become more aware of my homosexuality I have been introduced to temptations of varying types and severity.  When sixteen and sitting in Priests quorum I never conceived I would encounter such thoughts as these, nor did I expect them to frequently re-assert themselves into my life once I had.  Do I sound bitter?  Because I'm not.  Do I feel I have it more di...

I run a lot.  So much so, people worry.  They question my sanity, health, and basic cognitive capabilities.  Usually people look at me much like a child looks at broccoli when they first hear of my exercise habits.  When I meet, shall we say, less enthusiastic runners the conversation generally goes something like this: Concerned citizen:  "How far did you run?" Me:  "Oh, about 10 miles." Surprised citizen:  "Woah. . .uh. . .Why?!" Me:  "That's all I had time for"  (I've perfected this response) Shocked citizen:  "How long does it take you?" Me:  "About 1 hour 15 minutes." Baffled citizen:  "Gross, why?!" etc. etc. etc. It's a vicious cycle. While the exclamatory is almost certain to change the general reaction is quite the same.  Even my family who is accustom to my running still occasionally gives me the child-broccoli stare.  So why do I run? It's simple.  When I was a young hormonal te...

It's been a while since I have posted.  In fact I had to break into my own blog because I couldn't remember my login info, but alas I am back.  For those of you just joining us, or those of you who forgotten all about me and am surprised when this shows up on your updated blog listings, here is the rundown.  Last semester ended well, the summer was a party (I still have my tan) this semester is crazy, and yes I'm still gay.   At least I think so. Today, was a first.  OK not actually a first but it's been a while.  I thought to myself, "maybe I can date and marry a girl."  It was a strange feeling and a thought I haven't put much effort into for quite a while.  The issue has been weighing on my mind all day (the whole past 3 hours) so I started thinking what I would have to do to make that happen.  I quickly overheated my brain with this new avenue of development that I have paused to write. I came home after class, which is odd because I u...

My freshman writing class had a text book entitled Why Write?   I found the sample essays and excerpts interesting and intriguing.  I enjoy writing, I always have, and this book helped me become a better writer (which may or may not be present in the posts of this fascinating blog) but I'm having an internal debate on whether my Y writing [Y writing = experiences at BYU] is beneficial.  Granted being a closeted gay student at the Y is not without it's challenges but I'm not sure my blog is helping. I find I dwell far more on my gay thoughts and feelings throughout the day, especially when I blog about them.  These feelings are accompanied by feelings of guilt, shame, anger, frustration and even hatred towards friends, family, school, the world, and myself.  I have to ask myself is it worth it?  I successfully buried these feelings for years, why don't I just keep doing that?  Why do I have to tell my 11 followers what I think?  No one reall...

I have a great religion class here on campus.  I really enjoy it.  Each day I walk out of that class inspired to be better and reach my full potential.  Today as I was walking out of instruction my imagination was playing out  my futuristic journey through life including such things I could do in the church, all the people I could help, and the happiness I could take part in.  Then, that ever present fact barged into my imaginative production as I saw two individuals walking towards me, a guy and girl.  They were not a couple, they weren't even walking next to each other.  As I approached them my inner self said, "too bad you're more attracted to that [staring at the cute guy walking by] instead of that [glancing at the girl]." Score one for inner-self!  Thanks for rewriting my already fictitious future, jerk.  Without more thought my excitement from religion class was gone and I was left walking in the freezing tundra that is Utah.  A...

This morning I sat in fancy dental chair awaiting the verdict on the current state of my teeth.  It had been  3 years (don't judge) since my last cleaning and I had just spent the last 25 minutes getting scraped, poked, scratched, and jabbed by the hygienist.  Thankfully I didn't hear any ominous sighs, gasps, or 'uh-huh's' as the various dental professionals took turns looking in my mouth.  Finally the M.D. D.D.S. walked in took 5 seconds and said, "well the only issue I see is here around [insert medical term for some tooth on the lower right side] but it's nothing major." Why did none of the other office personal say anything.  Are they blind? Are they not qualified, is it above their pay grade?  Or do they just not know what to look for?  I suppose it is much like life.  We have plenty of people poke and jab us, examine and study us, but none will confidently come to decision or a firm verdict on homos.  Recently I had an acquainta...