Why the Decadence?

My freshman writing class had a text book entitled Why Write?   I found the sample essays and excerpts interesting and intriguing.  I enjoy writing, I always have, and this book helped me become a better writer (which may or may not be present in the posts of this fascinating blog) but I'm having an internal debate on whether my Y writing [Y writing = experiences at BYU] is beneficial.  Granted being a closeted gay student at the Y is not without it's challenges but I'm not sure my blog is helping. I find I dwell far more on my gay thoughts and feelings throughout the day, especially when I blog about them.  These feelings are accompanied by feelings of guilt, shame, anger, frustration and even hatred towards friends, family, school, the world, and myself.  I have to ask myself is it worth it?  I successfully buried these feelings for years, why don't I just keep doing that?  Why do I have to tell my 11 followers what I think?  No one reall...

I have a great religion class here on campus.  I really enjoy it.  Each day I walk out of that class inspired to be better and reach my full potential.  Today as I was walking out of instruction my imagination was playing out  my futuristic journey through life including such things I could do in the church, all the people I could help, and the happiness I could take part in.  Then, that ever present fact barged into my imaginative production as I saw two individuals walking towards me, a guy and girl.  They were not a couple, they weren't even walking next to each other.  As I approached them my inner self said, "too bad you're more attracted to that [staring at the cute guy walking by] instead of that [glancing at the girl]." Score one for inner-self!  Thanks for rewriting my already fictitious future, jerk.  Without more thought my excitement from religion class was gone and I was left walking in the freezing tundra that is Utah.  A...

This morning I sat in fancy dental chair awaiting the verdict on the current state of my teeth.  It had been  3 years (don't judge) since my last cleaning and I had just spent the last 25 minutes getting scraped, poked, scratched, and jabbed by the hygienist.  Thankfully I didn't hear any ominous sighs, gasps, or 'uh-huh's' as the various dental professionals took turns looking in my mouth.  Finally the M.D. D.D.S. walked in took 5 seconds and said, "well the only issue I see is here around [insert medical term for some tooth on the lower right side] but it's nothing major." Why did none of the other office personal say anything.  Are they blind? Are they not qualified, is it above their pay grade?  Or do they just not know what to look for?  I suppose it is much like life.  We have plenty of people poke and jab us, examine and study us, but none will confidently come to decision or a firm verdict on homos.  Recently I had an acquainta...

Quick rundown: 17 credits, 2 jobs, work 20 hours a week, 3 meetings a week, and so on.  I'm sure the average college student can relate to the hectic schedule that a full time student acquires, and up until this semester I have managed it pretty well.  But I've hit a snag this semester, I'm not eating well.  This is a problem.  I run between 8-10 miles a day and I am beginning to feel the effects of malnutrition, so I'm debating on buying a meal plan to use on campus. It's either that or waste away slowly. If I had to name one gay trait that I have, it is this.  I'm a connoisseur of fine food.  I love to eat.  I'd rather spend twenty-five dollars on a good meal than on a piece of clothing.  So you can imagine the stress it causes me when I come home and don't have time to eat.  I end up living off of granola bars, orange juice, and candy (quickest way to my heart, SUGAR!) In my state of starvation yesterday I happened upon one of my favor...

My reluctancy towards coming-out is attached firmly to the reaction I'm sure to receive from my friends.  Here is my unique reason (perhaps it's not unique but I have yet to discover someone who also feels, or has felt this way).  Naturally I'm concerned about my family's response to me being gay.  However, their grief and surprise will come from religious beliefs and traditions not the fact that i'm interrupting the social norm, and I'm ok with that, I enjoy disrupting normality.  I worry far less about distant friends, and church acquaintances stumbling upon my true feelings.  But the real stressor in my life comes from my closest friends.  Now, I can appreciate them thinking I've abandoned the great-ship-zion, and I would do my best to calm their fears and assure them I have a dingy waiting below.  But what I can not handle is the perception change that I believe will follow.  I wish I had sufficient hope to convince myself this wont happen but...

What have you done in the name of love?  Driven hundreds of miles, spent a week's earnings, deceived a friend, broke commandments (gasp) or something else that was without the bounds of your mental homeostasis realm?  The truth is, we all do otherwise irrational things when our passions take over.  We discussed this topic at length today in one of my humanities classes.  Indeed throughout history humans have done crazy things in the name of, or for, someone they profess to love.  Classical literature is littered with accounts of chivalrous knights slaying armies, swimming across great waters, and surviving such great peril just to behold their lady love one more time.  And others, on the other extreme, tell of men going insane when their profession of love to another is rejected or dismissed.  Also, (interesting fact) it was legal in English Common Law to kill a man if you caught him in bed with your wife.  Why, you ask?  Because, said man wa...

Like a good BYU student I go to church every week.  I have a calling and do my home-teaching.  But I just have to say my ward is special and the demographics are odd.  We have an assortment of houses and small apartment complexes which produce an older than average ward.  Which leaves us with those people who, 1-don't care about marriage (usually engineers) 2-the special spirits or 3-desperate elders, and that about sums it up. I have mixed feelings about church that surface every week.  Now understand I always go to church but sometimes I'm a little more excited then other days.  I love to teach, so it's usually the days that I teach that i'm excited to go.  Today however was a mixture of the two.  Last night I had a barrage of guilty feelings flow through my subconscious.  Before I knew it I was quoting scriptures to myself and could hear the voices of general authorities echoing through my head reminding me that being gay was not allowed...