Why the Decadence?

I have had several people ask me how I knew I was gay and when.  From what I gather, this is the question that many mohos seem to be interested in.  So let me tell you.   I was 21 and had been back from my mission for a few months.  During these few months I had been spending some time with this girl that I had known most of my life.  After a few weeks I could tell she was starting to really like me and wanted to make our relationship more personal.  Me, on the other hand, was having a moral dilemma.  See I thought this girl was amazing she was beautiful, outgoing, and we had a lot of things in common.  Everybody had pretty much decided we were going to get married.  But I was feeling nothing.  Literally I was indifferent on the subject.  This really bothered me.  I couldn't figure out why I wasn't all giddy and excited about the possibility of having this beautiful girl to date.  I had said many prayer asking God w...

Being the stalwart student that I am, I am delaying the homework to write a brief post.  I have a confession.  I finally summoned up the courage to go to the USGA meeting on BYU campus recently, and I have to say I was a bit disappointed.  This could be because I sat in the back and didn't talk to anyone and left early.  Maybe I went on a bad day and need to give it another chance but I don't know.  All that happened was a recap of random news stories on gay topics and some more random youtube videos.  Now, I don't know what normally goes on but I don't think I can take that kind of time out of my schedule to do a review of the weeks news with commentary.  I just don't think I'd fit in.  I'm quite opinionated and it seemed like my opinion was starkly different than those in attendance.  I know someone commented earlier about how they didn't think I was that different from other gay people, but from the ones I've met and talked to, I seem to b...

A little introspection.  Every-now-and-then I have those days where I just feel down.  Today happened to be one such day.  I've never been able to pin point why these feelings come on, the best I can figure is they occur much like my migraines, randomly yet oddly consistent.  I suppose it began today at church.  You see, I have been trying to meet with my bishop for the last few months and either he or I end up being out of town or sick, so our meeting has yet to happen.  I decided this week that I was done trying, obviously some force greater than I doesn't want said meeting to happen.  So I left it up to the bishop.  He knows I've been trying to talk to him, and if he feels so impressed to invite me into his office i'll go, but until then I'm in this battle alone.  That being said, I left church feeling a bit inconsequential, apparently God doesn't care that I'm trying to follow his gospel.  (I know this isn't true but the thought fr...

I have many thoughts bombarding my already war-torn mind, so that last few nights I have retired to the trenches early.  I have a handful of posts that I have started and have yet to finish, and honestly probably won't, but they were great contemplating tools.   My thoughts, as of late, are rarely completed before a new idea begins, it's quite taxing.  So in an effort to calm my mind I've been pondering this, consider the Following: I love motors, I have worked on them since I was a little boy.  You see, they are quite simple.  In order to function properly a motor needs spark, fuel-air mixture, and compression, if you achieve all of these you've got high octane fun!  I count myself as quite handy around cars, and as a result I'm automatically a cheap college students first resort when their car decides to go on a unscheduled hiatus.  As my friend's did today.  So what did I do?  I took work off early and spent 3 hours and 3 trips to Auto...

Today while exceeding the speed limit to a degree that some would call reckless I was reminded that God still loves me.  This epiphany didn't occur because of a near-death experience or a close call of any sort,  I couldn't have been happier.  Partly because I was joyriding but mostly because I finally picked up on a message the Big-Man had been trying to send me for some time. I know my circumstances sometimes get me down and frustrated.  Today I realized that God didn't care if I was gay or straight, big or small, fat or skinny, or gorgeous.  He just loves me for existing.  After all he did create me after his own image and likeness with expert care and attention.  It's like a grandma who hangs up a page of scribbled lines because her granddaughter said it was a picture of them holding hands.  To the rest of the world the picture is ugly, uninteresting, and a waste of precious fridge space, but to grandma it is the most precious piece of art...

Nobody tells me anything these days!  I had to find out through the local news that today was National Coming Out day.  Now I have to wait a whole year.  Oh well, I'll get over it, I did however, almost give my blog address to my sister and a close friend, so that's got to count for something right?  Or not, moving on. Today was my return to full activity.  I'm still sick, but I couldn't afford to miss anymore school and work.  It wasn't all bad though, my friend took me out for soup for dinner and then my sister brought over more soup.  During both soup encounters I was chastised for not telling them that I was sick, apparently there is some social memo I missed that states, "one will alert the presses and concerned parties when one is infirmed."  Yep, missed that one, sorry friends.  But it did help me realize today, that I have great friends.  I really wish the could read this blog and know how much I appreciate them, it's kind of n...

Being gay is an exhausting charade.  I know this isn't a new concept but it's all my brain seems to have been thinking about as of late.  See, I've been sick the last couple of days and have been restricted to the couch or my bed.  I've had nothing to do but think all weekend, this is a dangerous situation.  So. . . I have been pondering about all the effort I put into balancing my life between school, work, church, and friends.  Just thinking about it wears me out.  I'm amazed at the things I do and say, that have little conviction behind them.  It seems I'm trying so hard to balance everything that I'm missing out on everything going on around me.  I wonder if people take me seriously or see right through me.  I never have a personal conversation with people because I can't openly talk about my personal life.  If someone asks how I am doing, I'm programmed to automatically respond, "good thanks."  I have decided this isn't healt...

It snowed in Provo today!  I can't wait until ski season begins.  I love skiing more than most things in life, which can be potentially harmful in social situations I've discovered, but that's not important right now.  What is important is that there is snow up on them ther hills, and it's got me all in the mood, I may just go put my ski boots on and stare out the window.

Today a I learned of the so called, "Fat Tax."  Apparently the higher-ups in our country are attempting to impose a tax on high-fat foods.  This is a bad idea.  First of all, I love fat!  The football shaped Oreos I had today were amazing and I'd be very upset if I was unable to eat them at my leisure.  I'm a student of economics and I understand the reasoning of the government.  Raise the marginal cost of an activity and the marginal benefit gets smaller, blah blah blah.  We get it.  But really?  Is it gonna work?  I think not, Oreos are too gosh darn delicious and if they cost me 12 cents more, those 12 cents are coming out of my vegetable fund, because those marginal benefits are already lacking and I want Oreos!  Now imagine the passion of a 300 lbs moody woman who wants her bacon?  Frightening, I know.  All this is going to do is raise crime because the marginal benefits of bacon are far greater than that of robbing t...

BYU is a joy!  I really enjoy it here, I wouldn't trade it for anything of equal or lesser value, that's for sure.  But I always hear of people who aren't enjoying their time here, be they frustrated, depressed, anxious, shy, or angry at the world.  I wish those people were easier to spot, I'd really like to help.  I'm a friendly guy and I like to think most people find me pleasant to be around.  I think I could help in some small fashion. After all, many times I have had thoughts that threaten to put me in one of those categories, mainly angry at the world, but I mange to survive.  Why do people allow themselves to be like that?  [I understand some have legitimate mental difficulties that limit this process and they are excused from this discussion]  Just smile.   Maybe you are a bit over weight, maybe you aren't as smart as your roommate, maybe you're not as good looking as the Californian down the row, or heck maybe you gay!  Whatev...