Why the Decadence?

I have enormous amounts of homework and studying I should be doing in preparation for finals, but sometimes you just need to rest and take your mind off of things.  It has been quite some time since my last post and a lot of things have happened.  Nothing terribly exciting but one you all might find interesting. Thing #1 One of my best friends just up and asked me if I was gay, I told her yes and then quickly told one of my other best friends who happens to be her best friend.  I did this because I knew they would talk and I thought she should hear it from me.  I'll be honest, that day sucked, and the day after that.  I had never felt like such a failure.  Failure at life, failure at church, failure at school etc.  Now two of my friends who thought of me as an upstanding church goer now have their perception forever tainted.  I know they'll still love me and all that jazz, but now anything I do will have a annotation that says "gay." That ...

I have had several people ask me how I knew I was gay and when.  From what I gather, this is the question that many mohos seem to be interested in.  So let me tell you.   I was 21 and had been back from my mission for a few months.  During these few months I had been spending some time with this girl that I had known most of my life.  After a few weeks I could tell she was starting to really like me and wanted to make our relationship more personal.  Me, on the other hand, was having a moral dilemma.  See I thought this girl was amazing she was beautiful, outgoing, and we had a lot of things in common.  Everybody had pretty much decided we were going to get married.  But I was feeling nothing.  Literally I was indifferent on the subject.  This really bothered me.  I couldn't figure out why I wasn't all giddy and excited about the possibility of having this beautiful girl to date.  I had said many prayer asking God w...

Being the stalwart student that I am, I am delaying the homework to write a brief post.  I have a confession.  I finally summoned up the courage to go to the USGA meeting on BYU campus recently, and I have to say I was a bit disappointed.  This could be because I sat in the back and didn't talk to anyone and left early.  Maybe I went on a bad day and need to give it another chance but I don't know.  All that happened was a recap of random news stories on gay topics and some more random youtube videos.  Now, I don't know what normally goes on but I don't think I can take that kind of time out of my schedule to do a review of the weeks news with commentary.  I just don't think I'd fit in.  I'm quite opinionated and it seemed like my opinion was starkly different than those in attendance.  I know someone commented earlier about how they didn't think I was that different from other gay people, but from the ones I've met and talked to, I seem to b...

A little introspection.  Every-now-and-then I have those days where I just feel down.  Today happened to be one such day.  I've never been able to pin point why these feelings come on, the best I can figure is they occur much like my migraines, randomly yet oddly consistent.  I suppose it began today at church.  You see, I have been trying to meet with my bishop for the last few months and either he or I end up being out of town or sick, so our meeting has yet to happen.  I decided this week that I was done trying, obviously some force greater than I doesn't want said meeting to happen.  So I left it up to the bishop.  He knows I've been trying to talk to him, and if he feels so impressed to invite me into his office i'll go, but until then I'm in this battle alone.  That being said, I left church feeling a bit inconsequential, apparently God doesn't care that I'm trying to follow his gospel.  (I know this isn't true but the thought fr...

I have many thoughts bombarding my already war-torn mind, so that last few nights I have retired to the trenches early.  I have a handful of posts that I have started and have yet to finish, and honestly probably won't, but they were great contemplating tools.   My thoughts, as of late, are rarely completed before a new idea begins, it's quite taxing.  So in an effort to calm my mind I've been pondering this, consider the Following: I love motors, I have worked on them since I was a little boy.  You see, they are quite simple.  In order to function properly a motor needs spark, fuel-air mixture, and compression, if you achieve all of these you've got high octane fun!  I count myself as quite handy around cars, and as a result I'm automatically a cheap college students first resort when their car decides to go on a unscheduled hiatus.  As my friend's did today.  So what did I do?  I took work off early and spent 3 hours and 3 trips to Auto...

Today while exceeding the speed limit to a degree that some would call reckless I was reminded that God still loves me.  This epiphany didn't occur because of a near-death experience or a close call of any sort,  I couldn't have been happier.  Partly because I was joyriding but mostly because I finally picked up on a message the Big-Man had been trying to send me for some time. I know my circumstances sometimes get me down and frustrated.  Today I realized that God didn't care if I was gay or straight, big or small, fat or skinny, or gorgeous.  He just loves me for existing.  After all he did create me after his own image and likeness with expert care and attention.  It's like a grandma who hangs up a page of scribbled lines because her granddaughter said it was a picture of them holding hands.  To the rest of the world the picture is ugly, uninteresting, and a waste of precious fridge space, but to grandma it is the most precious piece of art...

Nobody tells me anything these days!  I had to find out through the local news that today was National Coming Out day.  Now I have to wait a whole year.  Oh well, I'll get over it, I did however, almost give my blog address to my sister and a close friend, so that's got to count for something right?  Or not, moving on. Today was my return to full activity.  I'm still sick, but I couldn't afford to miss anymore school and work.  It wasn't all bad though, my friend took me out for soup for dinner and then my sister brought over more soup.  During both soup encounters I was chastised for not telling them that I was sick, apparently there is some social memo I missed that states, "one will alert the presses and concerned parties when one is infirmed."  Yep, missed that one, sorry friends.  But it did help me realize today, that I have great friends.  I really wish the could read this blog and know how much I appreciate them, it's kind of n...

Being gay is an exhausting charade.  I know this isn't a new concept but it's all my brain seems to have been thinking about as of late.  See, I've been sick the last couple of days and have been restricted to the couch or my bed.  I've had nothing to do but think all weekend, this is a dangerous situation.  So. . . I have been pondering about all the effort I put into balancing my life between school, work, church, and friends.  Just thinking about it wears me out.  I'm amazed at the things I do and say, that have little conviction behind them.  It seems I'm trying so hard to balance everything that I'm missing out on everything going on around me.  I wonder if people take me seriously or see right through me.  I never have a personal conversation with people because I can't openly talk about my personal life.  If someone asks how I am doing, I'm programmed to automatically respond, "good thanks."  I have decided this isn't healt...

It snowed in Provo today!  I can't wait until ski season begins.  I love skiing more than most things in life, which can be potentially harmful in social situations I've discovered, but that's not important right now.  What is important is that there is snow up on them ther hills, and it's got me all in the mood, I may just go put my ski boots on and stare out the window.

Today a I learned of the so called, "Fat Tax."  Apparently the higher-ups in our country are attempting to impose a tax on high-fat foods.  This is a bad idea.  First of all, I love fat!  The football shaped Oreos I had today were amazing and I'd be very upset if I was unable to eat them at my leisure.  I'm a student of economics and I understand the reasoning of the government.  Raise the marginal cost of an activity and the marginal benefit gets smaller, blah blah blah.  We get it.  But really?  Is it gonna work?  I think not, Oreos are too gosh darn delicious and if they cost me 12 cents more, those 12 cents are coming out of my vegetable fund, because those marginal benefits are already lacking and I want Oreos!  Now imagine the passion of a 300 lbs moody woman who wants her bacon?  Frightening, I know.  All this is going to do is raise crime because the marginal benefits of bacon are far greater than that of robbing t...

BYU is a joy!  I really enjoy it here, I wouldn't trade it for anything of equal or lesser value, that's for sure.  But I always hear of people who aren't enjoying their time here, be they frustrated, depressed, anxious, shy, or angry at the world.  I wish those people were easier to spot, I'd really like to help.  I'm a friendly guy and I like to think most people find me pleasant to be around.  I think I could help in some small fashion. After all, many times I have had thoughts that threaten to put me in one of those categories, mainly angry at the world, but I mange to survive.  Why do people allow themselves to be like that?  [I understand some have legitimate mental difficulties that limit this process and they are excused from this discussion]  Just smile.   Maybe you are a bit over weight, maybe you aren't as smart as your roommate, maybe you're not as good looking as the Californian down the row, or heck maybe you gay!  Whatev...

My best friend is proposing to his girlfriend tomorrow.  It is an elaborate scheme which is guaranteed to bring all parties involved to tears.  Except me, I don't cry, ever.  I'm happy for him, it's an exciting step in his life. Marriage is doctrinal benchmark most LDS men anxiously look forward to.  All the advice and teachings we receive here at BYU are centered around the life changing event of marriage.  We are all promised a happiness we can not yet imagine, a love that can withstand the strongest of trials, a life with children that will make us forever stronger in the gospel, a closer relationship with our Father in Heaven and his Son, and most importantly, a place in the celestial kingdom.  It sounds exciting, I can't wait! Oh right, what about me?  What about the fat kid and fat-camp that didn't loose any weight?  Is he doomed to a diet of twinkies, bacon, and cake for the rest of his gluttonous life?  Maybe he can try again next...

I wrote this post almost a year ago and just discovered it in my archives.  I found I have maintained the opinions expressed below. [DISCLAIMER: The following is written with the assumption that the modal temptation for gay LDS men is sex, including all facets.] The band All Time Low inspired the title of this humble blog.  Their song Poison contains the line , "I've got a road, and it leads to decadence."  It has become a favorite of mine, the phrase, not the song.  Although, the song contains a message I find myself relating to more frequently than I care to recall. As I have become more aware of my homosexuality I have been introduced to temptations of varying types and severity.  When sixteen and sitting in Priests quorum I never conceived I would encounter such thoughts as these, nor did I expect them to frequently re-assert themselves into my life once I had.  Do I sound bitter?  Because I'm not.  Do I feel I have it more di...

I run a lot.  So much so, people worry.  They question my sanity, health, and basic cognitive capabilities.  Usually people look at me much like a child looks at broccoli when they first hear of my exercise habits.  When I meet, shall we say, less enthusiastic runners the conversation generally goes something like this: Concerned citizen:  "How far did you run?" Me:  "Oh, about 10 miles." Surprised citizen:  "Woah. . .uh. . .Why?!" Me:  "That's all I had time for"  (I've perfected this response) Shocked citizen:  "How long does it take you?" Me:  "About 1 hour 15 minutes." Baffled citizen:  "Gross, why?!" etc. etc. etc. It's a vicious cycle. While the exclamatory is almost certain to change the general reaction is quite the same.  Even my family who is accustom to my running still occasionally gives me the child-broccoli stare.  So why do I run? It's simple.  When I was a young hormonal te...

It's been a while since I have posted.  In fact I had to break into my own blog because I couldn't remember my login info, but alas I am back.  For those of you just joining us, or those of you who forgotten all about me and am surprised when this shows up on your updated blog listings, here is the rundown.  Last semester ended well, the summer was a party (I still have my tan) this semester is crazy, and yes I'm still gay.   At least I think so. Today, was a first.  OK not actually a first but it's been a while.  I thought to myself, "maybe I can date and marry a girl."  It was a strange feeling and a thought I haven't put much effort into for quite a while.  The issue has been weighing on my mind all day (the whole past 3 hours) so I started thinking what I would have to do to make that happen.  I quickly overheated my brain with this new avenue of development that I have paused to write. I came home after class, which is odd because I u...

My freshman writing class had a text book entitled Why Write?   I found the sample essays and excerpts interesting and intriguing.  I enjoy writing, I always have, and this book helped me become a better writer (which may or may not be present in the posts of this fascinating blog) but I'm having an internal debate on whether my Y writing [Y writing = experiences at BYU] is beneficial.  Granted being a closeted gay student at the Y is not without it's challenges but I'm not sure my blog is helping. I find I dwell far more on my gay thoughts and feelings throughout the day, especially when I blog about them.  These feelings are accompanied by feelings of guilt, shame, anger, frustration and even hatred towards friends, family, school, the world, and myself.  I have to ask myself is it worth it?  I successfully buried these feelings for years, why don't I just keep doing that?  Why do I have to tell my 11 followers what I think?  No one reall...

I have a great religion class here on campus.  I really enjoy it.  Each day I walk out of that class inspired to be better and reach my full potential.  Today as I was walking out of instruction my imagination was playing out  my futuristic journey through life including such things I could do in the church, all the people I could help, and the happiness I could take part in.  Then, that ever present fact barged into my imaginative production as I saw two individuals walking towards me, a guy and girl.  They were not a couple, they weren't even walking next to each other.  As I approached them my inner self said, "too bad you're more attracted to that [staring at the cute guy walking by] instead of that [glancing at the girl]." Score one for inner-self!  Thanks for rewriting my already fictitious future, jerk.  Without more thought my excitement from religion class was gone and I was left walking in the freezing tundra that is Utah.  A...

This morning I sat in fancy dental chair awaiting the verdict on the current state of my teeth.  It had been  3 years (don't judge) since my last cleaning and I had just spent the last 25 minutes getting scraped, poked, scratched, and jabbed by the hygienist.  Thankfully I didn't hear any ominous sighs, gasps, or 'uh-huh's' as the various dental professionals took turns looking in my mouth.  Finally the M.D. D.D.S. walked in took 5 seconds and said, "well the only issue I see is here around [insert medical term for some tooth on the lower right side] but it's nothing major." Why did none of the other office personal say anything.  Are they blind? Are they not qualified, is it above their pay grade?  Or do they just not know what to look for?  I suppose it is much like life.  We have plenty of people poke and jab us, examine and study us, but none will confidently come to decision or a firm verdict on homos.  Recently I had an acquainta...

Quick rundown: 17 credits, 2 jobs, work 20 hours a week, 3 meetings a week, and so on.  I'm sure the average college student can relate to the hectic schedule that a full time student acquires, and up until this semester I have managed it pretty well.  But I've hit a snag this semester, I'm not eating well.  This is a problem.  I run between 8-10 miles a day and I am beginning to feel the effects of malnutrition, so I'm debating on buying a meal plan to use on campus. It's either that or waste away slowly. If I had to name one gay trait that I have, it is this.  I'm a connoisseur of fine food.  I love to eat.  I'd rather spend twenty-five dollars on a good meal than on a piece of clothing.  So you can imagine the stress it causes me when I come home and don't have time to eat.  I end up living off of granola bars, orange juice, and candy (quickest way to my heart, SUGAR!) In my state of starvation yesterday I happened upon one of my favor...

My reluctancy towards coming-out is attached firmly to the reaction I'm sure to receive from my friends.  Here is my unique reason (perhaps it's not unique but I have yet to discover someone who also feels, or has felt this way).  Naturally I'm concerned about my family's response to me being gay.  However, their grief and surprise will come from religious beliefs and traditions not the fact that i'm interrupting the social norm, and I'm ok with that, I enjoy disrupting normality.  I worry far less about distant friends, and church acquaintances stumbling upon my true feelings.  But the real stressor in my life comes from my closest friends.  Now, I can appreciate them thinking I've abandoned the great-ship-zion, and I would do my best to calm their fears and assure them I have a dingy waiting below.  But what I can not handle is the perception change that I believe will follow.  I wish I had sufficient hope to convince myself this wont happen but...

What have you done in the name of love?  Driven hundreds of miles, spent a week's earnings, deceived a friend, broke commandments (gasp) or something else that was without the bounds of your mental homeostasis realm?  The truth is, we all do otherwise irrational things when our passions take over.  We discussed this topic at length today in one of my humanities classes.  Indeed throughout history humans have done crazy things in the name of, or for, someone they profess to love.  Classical literature is littered with accounts of chivalrous knights slaying armies, swimming across great waters, and surviving such great peril just to behold their lady love one more time.  And others, on the other extreme, tell of men going insane when their profession of love to another is rejected or dismissed.  Also, (interesting fact) it was legal in English Common Law to kill a man if you caught him in bed with your wife.  Why, you ask?  Because, said man wa...

Like a good BYU student I go to church every week.  I have a calling and do my home-teaching.  But I just have to say my ward is special and the demographics are odd.  We have an assortment of houses and small apartment complexes which produce an older than average ward.  Which leaves us with those people who, 1-don't care about marriage (usually engineers) 2-the special spirits or 3-desperate elders, and that about sums it up. I have mixed feelings about church that surface every week.  Now understand I always go to church but sometimes I'm a little more excited then other days.  I love to teach, so it's usually the days that I teach that i'm excited to go.  Today however was a mixture of the two.  Last night I had a barrage of guilty feelings flow through my subconscious.  Before I knew it I was quoting scriptures to myself and could hear the voices of general authorities echoing through my head reminding me that being gay was not allowed...

So I've mentally threatened to myself that, "I'm going to start a blog!" And 2 years later I finally have. But before I launch myself into the immensities of cyber space, I need to clarify some things. First the title, more importantly the sub-title, I suppose you all have a dictionary so I'm skipping to the subtitle. I presume this is what will bring most individuals to my new-found domain, so I feel obligated to define it. Yes, I am a BYU student in Provo. Phew, now that's over with. . .onto the 'gay' statement. I will use this word loosely throughout my blog so as to keep rhetoric neat. What I mean by G-A-Y is this: I am attracted to the male population of the human species. Does this mean I whistle and wink at every suave gentlemen I see? No. Do I get all giddy about shoes and fashion? No. Do I fit into the stereotypical gay scene/population? Most definitely no. But I DO find the male physique attractive and I definitely notice when a we...