Why the Decadence?

My dear internet friends, it has been a while.  A brief five years, has gone by since my last post.  So let's catch you up; graduated BYU, went to grad school out of state, graduated that, moved to southern California, gots myself a boyfriend, bought a house with said boyfriend, got a dog, got another dog, still running, and now you're all caught up! Life is good. Over the years I have reflected on my time at BYU and how much I truly enjoyed it.  Frankly, I have a difficult time remembering all of the mental stress that I experienced being a closeted student (granted, it was far less than what many of my friends experienced).  I'm grateful I managed to write a few thoughts down on this blog over the years that I can revisit.  Over the past five years, I've sent a blog-link to several friends who have wondered 'how I managed being gay at BYU' I have also shared this blog with members of my family who wanted a peak into my young brain. When it comes t...

I have many ideas that I hope to one day bash into literary form for this blog because I secretly hope that somebody out there will read them and find the help, hope, or motivation they were looking for.  Tonight, however, they are just not coming together.  I'll admit I've started this post several times but nothing seemed to hold my attention long enough except for one question, "why are people gay?"  Now this is a question for the ages, and undoubtedly guaranteed to spark some heated debate among today's pontificators. In my understanding homosexual feelings enter into one's mind by one of the following: 1.  They are introduced to it via abuse or other means. 2.  Recognition of feelings and thoughts, that seem to have been present for a lifetime. 3.  Temptation, yes the wily acts of that wretched Lucifer. 4.  Basic hormones, your horny, it doesn't matter, whoever is closest wins. Category 1: I'm not schooled on so I'll leave that alone,...

Sometimes I wonder if this is more a running blog than anything else.  While my love for running does not need to be restated, you will have to excuse my repeated references to running or my beginning a thought with, "while running today," because frequently my most impressionable thoughts or insights come to me while i'm running.  Such as this morning. This year marks a true benchmark in my running career.  I have changed shoes. (GASP! I know!)  I have run in same model of shoe for over five years now with fierce loyalty.  Why, you ask?  Simply, because I'm a creature of habit.  More importantly, the shoes rock!  I have never had a running related injury that could be even partially blamed on my shoe of choice, so if it ain't broke don't fix it.  I tried once, two years ago, I switched shoes a few weeks before a marathon and my knees still hold a grudge.  But this year things are different.  I knew coming out of winter my miles...

And. . .we're back!  It appears in my absence my blog has become more popular, strange, apparently I'm fascinating when I'm not saying anything.  Oh well it's due time for a dip in the ratings so here we go! [Quick Update:  Still at BYU, graduate in April, still gay, heading to grad school (not sure where yet), still running etc etc etc] As spring approaches my running workouts have changed from winter-maintaince to pre-marathon-I'm-gonna-kick-A-this year, for those in the crowd wondering, the latter is far more intense and fun!  Now that it is not northern Siberia weather in Provo I can run without fear of slipping on ice and associated obstacles.  When the sun comes out around BYU the runners come out of the woodwork, literally like locusts, they're everywhere!  I don't complain much because there are few things I enjoy more than guys running, the ladies, meh usually not impressive, but fit guys getting their cardio in is a great site.  However, ...

I don't expect my challenges to be unique to me, nor do I assume that I'm the only one struggling along the straight and narrow path.  But sometimes you share what your dealing with to relieve the pressure within oneself and perhaps help another.  I choose to divulge my feelings on this blog (apparently not very often) because I'm not in a situation to share these issues with my friends or those around me.  For those of you joining us for the first time, I'm a twenty-somthing senior at BYU who is gay just trying to figure life out.   I struggle keeping gay friends.  Apparently I'm not "very gay" and consequently I'm not in touch with my sensitive side.  Often my friends--gay and straight alike--are hurt by my disinterest in hanging out with them.  I enjoy hanging out with friends but I also enjoy my time alone doing my own thing.  I'm upfront about this part of my personality, but eventually everybody seems to expect more out of the relationshi...

I'm pretty sure it was on a Nike T-shirt somewhere; I saw this phrase, "I run this town."  Of course it was a running shirt implying the obvious, but for some reason the phrase has stuck with me.  In the case of every town or city I have lived in, I really have 'run' it.  Provo, for example has seen me running on almost every road, street, or pathway during my stent here at BYU.  I know where everything is, and how far about things are.  It is interesting just how much you notice and are able to recall when you pass something repeatedly and slowly (as oppose to a car).  Sometimes I wonder if my approach to being gay is more of an auto-oriented perspective than that of a runner.  I pass things quickly, mentally or physically, and try not to think about it much.  But in so doing I have discovered that I don't understand my personal stance on MY sexuality.  It seems weird, but it's true.  It is a thought I have trained my self to ignore on ...