tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-81307073964447577052024-03-05T14:43:55.466-07:00Why the Decadence?The perspective of a gay BYU studentTrucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02209058113394941723noreply@blogger.comBlogger31125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8130707396444757705.post-51088129403399932132018-09-05T00:31:00.000-06:002018-09-05T00:31:09.095-06:00The Roommate SituationAfter graduating BYU I went off to one of this country's great mid-west schools for graduate school. I'm talking about the University of Illinois, folks I went to school in the middle of giant corn field and I loved it! Of course I did what any good BYU student would do when moving to a strange city, I hit up the local singles ward to find myself roomie. It worked with brilliant efficiency. I roomed up with a guy (he was/still is a professor that had about 7 years on me) who had a house a few miles away from school. <div>
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I wasn't about to have a repeat of closeted me, so I made it clear to my new roomie that my church attendance may be a bit sporadic and that there would be few girls around *cough*. He was cool with it. The school year progressed as it does and my friends became a normal scene at the estate. After about a year, yes a year, my roommate-let's call him Steve-brought up the gay thing. </div>
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Yes, we had been roommates for about a year, and he obviously knew I was gay, I knew he knew, and we were fine with it. Nothing was weird, no one cared all was good, we were friends. We had just never really talked about it. So we're sitting on the couch one evening and he asks about this guy I had been kind of dating, you know the usual 'how did you meet,' 'what's he do,' mumbo jumbo. So we talk about it and he reiterates that he's cool with me bringing guys over and there is no need to be "quiet" when they stay over. It was a funny conversation, he was suddenly very interested in my dating life and the intricacies of modern gay dating. </div>
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I didn't think much of it until in a later conversation he reveals that he had a boyfriend previously for over two years! Excuse me while I snort my beverage out of my nose. Yes, he dropped that bomb shell on me one night. . .but let's rewind a taste. The conversation began with us talking about my dating life again. It quickly transitioned from dating life to my sex life. It was like Grindr's 20 questions, top? bottom? into? age preference? what turns you on? porn, yay or nay? etc. I found this conversation amusing as I divulged many of my guy on guy likes and dis-likes. He was clearly intrigued, which I was picking up on hard. The questioning eventually circled back to sex, of the anal variety. He was real interested in that. </div>
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Finally as the conversation was winding down he casually mentioned, "I don't think I could do it." I'm sure I looked at him perplexed with a "well duh" expression plastered across my face. But he continued, "I'm totally into giving a guy a hand job or blow job, and making out. . ." my confused expression lingered. . . "I dated a guy for 2 years but we never had sex sex," < back to snorting beverage >. You can imagine my surprise as I learned about my church-going roommate's adventures with men. I was shocked. Previously we had discussed his dating life which, to be clear, lacked any mention of another dude's bat and balls. </div>
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Naturally the conversation found renewed energy. We talked at length about his past life and how he found himself attracted to men and women, but mostly men. We talked about what traits he was attracted too etc. As we talked I was beginning to pick up on what he was dropping; he was into me! Not just, yeah you're cute and all, but like 'let me rip off those shorts and give me taste' into me. But, lest we forget, I was dating someone at the time. So I played it casual.</div>
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--Let's pause for a bit. During this time in my life I was a gym nut, I worked out every day and was in the best shape of my life, had rockin' abs, sexy arms, and a decent chest for runner. I usually walked around without a shirt on because, why not? From the conversation detailed above it was clear to me that my physical traits where very much inline with what he found attractive as were my mental traits. With that context let's continue--</div>
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<a href="https://www.beyondblackwhite.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/hot-guy-in-shower.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="Image result for guy in shower" border="0" class="irc_mi" height="400" src="https://www.beyondblackwhite.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/hot-guy-in-shower.jpg" style="margin-top: 0px;" width="285" /></a>Fast forward a few months, I'm in the shower just enjoying myself (not like that you sly dogs) when I suddenly feel a hand on my back. Naturally, I jump straight up while executing a perfect 360 and assumed a karate position, coming face to face with my butt-naked roommate in the shower with me. How does this happened do you ask? Well the house we lived in had one bathroom, so we didn't lock the door so the other could get ready and use the mirror and such, and he was very sneaky.</div>
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As my mind strained to process exactly what was going on, he just smiles and says, "mind if I join?" (or something like that, the details surrounding this point are a bit foggy). I'm literally stunned into silence and a bit paralytic as I see his hand making a play for my jingle jangle. Without getting into too much graphic detail I shrugged off the weirdness and received a helping hand.</div>
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Later that day as I'm relating the happenings of the morning to my buddy he proclaims, "you just acted out his (my roommate's) porno fantasy!" "That same exact scene has been done over and over by every gay porn studio in the modern world!" True story friends, scouts honor.</div>
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After this encounter our relationship didn't change much we were still great friends, did lots together and got along just fine. He was always a bit more touchy after that day though. . .</div>
Trucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02209058113394941723noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8130707396444757705.post-73602310074193204882018-09-04T23:11:00.000-06:002018-09-04T23:15:56.475-06:00So, It's Been a While<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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My dear internet friends, it has been a while. A brief five years, has gone by since my last post. So let's catch you up; graduated BYU, went to grad school out of state, graduated that, moved to southern California, gots myself a boyfriend, bought a house with said boyfriend, got a dog, got another dog, still running, and now you're all caught up! Life is good.<br />
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Over the years I have reflected on my time at BYU and how much I truly enjoyed it. Frankly, I have a difficult time remembering all of the mental stress that I experienced being a closeted student (granted, it was far less than what many of my friends experienced). I'm grateful I managed to write a few thoughts down on this blog over the years that I can revisit. Over the past five years, I've sent a blog-link to several friends who have wondered 'how I managed being gay at BYU' I have also shared this blog with members of my family who wanted a peak into my young brain. <br />
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When it comes to sharing this, I get a bit apprehensive because my thoughts have evolved and may not be truly represented here anymore. However, I cherish the window into my 21 year old self that this blog provides so I embrace it.<br />
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I plan on continuing to blog as my time allows, I'll eventually change the title but it must be brilliant! so standby on that. The goal is to capture a few experiences I've had, and will have, in my life here that more-or-less are rooted in my awesome gayness because let's face it, my life is hysterical and being gay is one of my favorite personal traits. <br />
<br />Trucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02209058113394941723noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8130707396444757705.post-59865103207767001012013-03-17T21:49:00.004-06:002013-03-17T21:49:57.138-06:00Maiden VoyageI have many ideas that I hope to one day bash into literary form for this blog because I secretly hope that somebody out there will read them and find the help, hope, or motivation they were looking for. Tonight, however, they are just not coming together. I'll admit I've started this post several times but nothing seemed to hold my attention long enough except for one question, "why are people gay?" Now this is a question for the ages, and undoubtedly guaranteed to spark some heated debate among today's pontificators.<br />
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In my understanding homosexual feelings enter into one's mind by one of the following:<br />
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1. They are introduced to it via abuse or other means.<br />
2. Recognition of feelings and thoughts, that seem to have been present for a lifetime.<br />
3. Temptation, yes the wily acts of that wretched Lucifer.<br />
4. Basic hormones, your horny, it doesn't matter, whoever is closest wins.<br />
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Category 1: I'm not schooled on so I'll leave that alone, 2 is difficult to challenge and/or prove so i'll leave that for the pride marches, 3 is a topic I have some thoughts on, and lastly 4 I have often thought about.<br />
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So which is it for you? Most people I have talked to say they have always had these feelings. But as previous post reveal such as not been the case for me. Others I have met, say some sort of abuse set them on this path. But, whatever the reason we have the decision, what to about it, today. Recently I have made several gay friends who have told me something a long the lines of, "if I never try it out, how am I supposed to decide what I like." Of course they are referring to entering the gay dating scene and such. I have mixed feelings about this. First off, if you're not sure about your sexuality, experimentation may not be the most effective initial step. There are definitely things you can't get back. Secondly, "trying it out," isn't fair to you or those who participate with you. And lastly, it will not make your decision easier to make especially for a LDS guy, in fact it will most likely complicate the matter.<br />
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I have a good friend who has recently been delving into the world of dating. . .guys. As far as I know this is a new endeavor for him. He has become increasingly frustrated as one may expect from an upstanding LDS guy becoming acquainted with the boys of Utah county. Now, before we get all worked up, I'm sure there are some great guys out there, but experience has shown those guys are few and far between. I feel for the guy because he has found a guy he likes a lot, but it seems like the other guy isn't quite into him on the same level. So some advice, if my advice is worth anything. Proceed with caution, make your intentions clear, and accept the consequences of your actions. Remember, the race is long so enjoy every mile.<br />
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<br />Trucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02209058113394941723noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8130707396444757705.post-10641657167944547362013-03-12T23:22:00.000-06:002013-03-12T23:22:05.827-06:00Switching Shoes Switching LivesSometimes I wonder if this is more a running blog than anything else. While my love for running does not need to be restated, you will have to excuse my repeated references to running or my beginning a thought with, "while running today," because frequently my most impressionable thoughts or insights come to me while i'm running. Such as this morning.<br />
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This year marks a true benchmark in my running career. I have changed shoes. (GASP! I know!) I have run in same model of shoe for over five years now with fierce loyalty. Why, you ask? Simply, because I'm a creature of habit. More importantly, the shoes rock! I have never had a running related injury that could be even partially blamed on my shoe of choice, so if it ain't broke don't fix it. I tried once, two years ago, I switched shoes a few weeks before a marathon and my knees still hold a grudge. But this year things are different. I knew coming out of winter my miles were down and it was time to move to a more neutral cushioned shoe. So I took the plunge and bought some. [I wasn't too worried because Brooks running shoes can be sent back within 30 days even if you wear them. I had run about 250 miles in the previously mentioned cursed shoes and sent them back for a full refund.] I am several weeks and many miles into my new shoes and loving them, I have no complaints. Initially, I was really apprehensive about switching, I was noticing every unusual ache or tenderness in an effort to discredit my new shoes, but to no avail. My feet are adjusting well and my new shoes have have influenced me to once again, run happy (Brooks slogan).<br />
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As I near graduation and face the reality of moving away from BYU I am faced with a decision. Do I continue to be active in the church and fight the urge to date guys, or do I move to a new city and start a new chapter in my epic homo-saga and be open with myself. I have gone full-steam-ahead with both ideas. One day I'm set on going back to my fully invested mormon self, and the next I've convinced myself it's time to join the local gay club. In essence I am scared to get new shoes. Will I hurt myself by breaking out of my habitual life? Am I missing something by not? Will life be better, worse, or the same? Will I wish I'd never changed due to unrepairable damage? I DON'T KNOW! Unlike shoes, there is no going back. I can't say I'm gay one day and two weeks later take it back. Life does not give full refunds. I'm stuck with my half-worn pair of shoes that I'll never be able to use again. So what do I do my friends? What has your experience taught you?<br />
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I bought multiple pairs of the same shoe the other day and the teller looked at me and asked, somewhat hesitantly, "are these the same?" I just smiled and replied, "yep." Clearly she wasn't a runner. Unfortunately I don't have multiple lives to wear out, I get one shot at this. Here's to hoping I make the right decision.Trucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02209058113394941723noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8130707396444757705.post-19885306776444884032013-03-07T01:37:00.002-07:002013-03-07T08:45:55.491-07:00The Green LightAnd. . .we're back! It appears in my absence my blog has become more popular, strange, apparently I'm fascinating when I'm not saying anything. Oh well it's due time for a dip in the ratings so here we go!<br />
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[Quick Update: Still at BYU, graduate in April, still gay, heading to grad school (not sure where yet), still running etc etc etc]<br />
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As spring approaches my running workouts have changed from winter-maintaince to pre-marathon-I'm-gonna-kick-A-this year, for those in the crowd wondering, the latter is far more intense and fun! Now that it is not northern Siberia weather in Provo I can run without fear of slipping on ice and associated obstacles. When the sun comes out around BYU the runners come out of the woodwork, literally like locusts, they're everywhere! I don't complain much because there are few things I enjoy more than guys running, the ladies, meh usually not impressive, but fit guys getting their cardio in is a great site. However, not the point. <br />
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The Point is, what are all these people running for? Surely they are not runners, because I never saw them in the winter, and there is like four of us on the indoor track that actually run, so where did they come from? What are they doing? I'm sure it's the usual "get in shape" routine, work on the "beach body" or gotta train for the family 5K. But whatever the reason I'm proud of you! I may yell, "run faster" out the window as I pass you but it's all encouragement I assure you. After all, why put on your fancy exercise clothes to walk? But of all the unique things I observe from my fair-weather running crowd, one thing in particular is my favorite. You've all seen it, the girl (sorry girls but it usually is you) waiting at an intersection jogging in place, and checking their pulse. Really chick? You're working that hard that 11 seconds is gonna throw off your groove? Plus pulse checking while bouncing up and down is difficult and surely not accurate (and I would bet you don't even know your target heart rate anyway). Then the light changes, they bolt across the intersection trying to fool everybody that this is their normal pace, only to make it half a block. Just FYI a serious runner, in my experience stands there looking irritated that the traffic-light gods are taking their coffee break. I've never witnessed the cross-country team jog in place at a light. So if you are one of these people (chances are slim cause this a gay hangout blog where ladies tend to be sparse) just realize that everyone may be looking at you because you look ridiculous not because they are impressed with you fitness level.<br />
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Moral of the story is (yes I'm gonna try to tie this in) in my gay run of life when I hit an obstacle, such as stop light, I'm not going to sit there and pretend that everything is still moving along swimmingly while hap-hazardly trying to check my vitals, I'm gonna stop, be annoyed that I had to stop, then motor on when I get the green light. You see, it is those people that want to be seen so they pretend to continue running, and believe they working harder than those who just wait, that usually flip a biscuit when you get a false start due to a retarded left turn arrow! The truth is, because you never stopped to actually pay attention to what halted your forward momentum in the first place, you end up not understanding your circumstance and getting run over by the guy turning left. There is much to be learned if you patiently observe your circumstance and move forward when it is time.<br />
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Well that was deep. Or it is late and I'm tiered, so it seems deep. Either way I will continue mock those that jog in place at an intersection. Because, I love you, seriously.Trucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02209058113394941723noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8130707396444757705.post-67416955469334889712012-10-15T00:17:00.000-06:002012-10-15T00:17:44.327-06:00The Usual RantI don't expect my challenges to be unique to me, nor do I assume that I'm the only one struggling along the straight and narrow path. But sometimes you share what your dealing with to relieve the pressure within oneself and perhaps help another. I choose to divulge my feelings on this blog (apparently not very often) because I'm not in a situation to share these issues with my friends or those around me. For those of you joining us for the first time, I'm a twenty-somthing senior at BYU who is gay just trying to figure life out. <div>
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I struggle keeping gay friends. Apparently I'm not "very gay" and consequently I'm not in touch with my sensitive side. Often my friends--gay and straight alike--are hurt by my disinterest in hanging out with them. I enjoy hanging out with friends but I also enjoy my time alone doing my own thing. I'm upfront about this part of my personality, but eventually everybody seems to expect more out of the relationship than I do. Such expectation leads to disappointment, anger, and eventual friendship abandonment. I try to be better and try to be a good friend but it is evidently not enough.</div>
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I'm working on it.</div>
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My guy friends don't seem to have a problem with it. I can go days not talking to them and we are still best friends. I would hope one day to have a friend like that who is also gay. I have put a reasonable amount of effort into finding gay friends over the past year but I haven't had much luck. I hear rumors and catch glimpses of other gay guys who may be from the same type of mold as me, but I have yet been able to meet one.</div>
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The spiritual dilemma. As many of us mormon guys know, it is difficult to sit through church and not feel as if you are being scolded for being gay. Whether you have broken commandments or not, the ever present judgment of God is staring you in the face. This is a difficult circumstance. One I would wish I had no part of. But I keep going, waiting for that day when my path is clear and bright.</div>
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I spoke with a friend today who just got out of a serious relationship. Seriously, she was planning a wedding. She has a great life and is hopeful for the future. I wish I knew how that felt. Don't get me wrong, I have a great life too and am very hopeful for my future. But a future shared with someone special seems ever so distant. Occasionally those I care most about don't have time for me, which is understandable, we all have lives. It is at times like these where I feel the most isolated. Isolated from friends, God, family, and my accomplishments. It's a strange feeling--total isolation. Generally I snap back to reality quickly and return to normal cognitive capacity realizing it is no use stressing about something you can't change.</div>
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I'm often charged by leaders and teachers with phrases like, "rise up oh men of God." I often imagine what this metaphorical army would look like. I feel like I would be standing outside of the ranks, wearing the same uniform, but watching as the soldiers marched off to war leaving me behind unnoticed struggling to keep up. </div>
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Life is good. It's never what we planned it to be but it is still our life. I'll enjoy my life whether my friends join me or not. I'll enjoy the isolation so I enjoy the company. I'll do my best to do my duty even if I'm alone. Life is good, challenges come, but i'm working on it.</div>
Trucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02209058113394941723noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8130707396444757705.post-84739495496898831342012-05-22T20:27:00.002-06:002012-05-22T20:27:53.406-06:00I Run This TownI'm pretty sure it was on a Nike T-shirt somewhere; I saw this phrase, "I run this town." Of course it was a running shirt implying the obvious, but for some reason the phrase has stuck with me. In the case of every town or city I have lived in, I really have 'run' it. Provo, for example has seen me running on almost every road, street, or pathway during my stent here at BYU. I know where everything is, and how far about things are. It is interesting just how much you notice and are able to recall when you pass something repeatedly and slowly (as oppose to a car). Sometimes I wonder if my approach to being gay is more of an auto-oriented perspective than that of a runner. I pass things quickly, mentally or physically, and try not to think about it much. But in so doing I have discovered that I don't understand my personal stance on MY sexuality. It seems weird, but it's true. It is a thought I have trained my self to ignore on a detailed scale, and relate to on broad level. I really don't know how I feel on many things just because I've never allowed myself to think about them. This has frustrated some of my gay friends, because they seem to have it all figured out, while I continue in a separated happy fantasy. <br />
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So how do I figure these things out? I have no blasted idea! I suppose that is why I started this blog in the first place (maybe I should read back and make sure), but as you can see I kinda failed at that too. It feels like I am wearing the physiological running shirt that says, "I ran this town, then moved on." It's true. I don't think about being gay near as often as I did before, it doesn't occupy my thoughts, or influence me in ways it previously had. It appears that I have set my sights on being a successful professional single guy with fancy toys and expensive cars. This may sound great to some, but it is not what I want. I really don't want to be single my whole life, I would love to have someone to be with, someone to live with, and someone to share my life with, guy or girl I don't care I just want someone. Now, obviously I do care, I'd love that individual to be a guy, because i'm attracted to such. But, the idea of just having a companion is what I'm afraid i'm loosing. I don't want to live the life as car on an interstate, passing through a city seeing nothing but the sound barricade. I want to run that city, exploring, seeing, smelling, and enjoying the journey. How do I get that dream back?<br />
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I often tell myself it will change when I leave here, but I'm not so sure. I'm afraid i'm building mental barriers that are going to be difficult to deconstruct, preventing me from embracing a companion. I wonder if I am a unique case in this thinking. I'd imagine not, but it is really starting to concern me. But until the day comes when this all makes sense in my brain, I'll run this town again.<br />
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<br /></div>Trucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02209058113394941723noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8130707396444757705.post-40969568085850504952012-05-06T21:07:00.001-06:002012-05-06T21:07:39.290-06:00It Has Been a WhileWell it sure has been a while in fact, I almost forgot I had this blog. Much has happened in the past (however, long it has been) but not really much on the gay front. That really isn't that surprising due to the fact, that there is never anything happening on my gay front. But I just had the urge to put some thoughts down in an attempt to figure out how I feel.<br />
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Life is good. I'm in top physical shape (I hope to run my fastest marathon yet in just a few weeks). My grades are fantastic, and my academic pursuits are looking great. I have a good job and great friends. I have heard the stories of many gay individuals here and around the world. I hope everyone can see the good in life and I hope everyone knows I'm pulling for them, we're all in this together.Trucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02209058113394941723noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8130707396444757705.post-62782327355270650792011-12-11T17:56:00.001-07:002011-12-11T18:39:42.875-07:00I have enormous amounts of homework and studying I should be doing in preparation for finals, but sometimes you just need to rest and take your mind off of things. It has been quite some time since my last post and a lot of things have happened. Nothing terribly exciting but one you all might find interesting. <br />
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Thing #1<br />
One of my best friends just up and asked me if I was gay, I told her yes and then quickly told one of my other best friends who happens to be her best friend. I did this because I knew they would talk and I thought she should hear it from me. I'll be honest, that day sucked, and the day after that. I had never felt like such a failure. Failure at life, failure at church, failure at school etc. Now two of my friends who thought of me as an upstanding church goer now have their perception forever tainted. I know they'll still love me and all that jazz, but now anything I do will have a annotation that says "gay." That was several weeks ago. I'm over the initial shock of the ordeal, but I can't talk to either of them the same yet. I hope one day that changes.<br />
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Thing #2<br />
I've also met a few more gay guys. One of my best friends introduced me to two of his gay friends a few weeks back. One of which is in a similar situation as I am as far as family, friends, and church is concerned. According to my friend both of the guys later asked him if I was really gay. Apparently I'm not very convincing.<br />
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Thing #3<br />
Ski season is finally upon us! I went skiing for the first time this season! That's all I have to say on that topic.<br />
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Thing #4<br />
My birthday happened. A lot could be said about this day, but I don't want to divulge too much information, suffice it to say it was fun.<br />
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Thing#5<br />
I got a new apartment. I will soon have my own room, finally. I am also getting a new ward which I am looking forward too. A fresh start where nobody knows me.<br />
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I'm sure there is much more exciting things that happened the past few weeks, but I can't think of them. I'm still the same guy trying to survive college and navigate the rest of my life.Trucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02209058113394941723noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8130707396444757705.post-41089280482232646322011-10-27T23:33:00.003-06:002011-10-27T23:33:25.649-06:00You're Gay<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I have had several people ask me how I knew I was gay and when. From what I gather, this is the question that many mohos seem to be interested in. So let me tell you. </div>
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I was 21 and had been back from my mission for a few months. During these few months I had been spending some time with this girl that I had known most of my life. After a few weeks I could tell she was starting to really like me and wanted to make our relationship more personal. Me, on the other hand, was having a moral dilemma. See I thought this girl was amazing she was beautiful, outgoing, and we had a lot of things in common. Everybody had pretty much decided we were going to get married. But I was feeling nothing. Literally I was indifferent on the subject. This really bothered me. I couldn't figure out why I wasn't all giddy and excited about the possibility of having this beautiful girl to date. I had said many prayer asking God what was up with me and if she was the right one for me. A few days past and it was time for our weekend date again. I don't even remember what we did that evening. All I remember is when I pulled into her driveway we sat there in my truck looking at each other. Then she finally asked me, "what are we?" I laughed and tried to play dumb but we both knew what discussion was coming. I tried to play the, "I just got home, I don't know . . .bla bla bla" card but it didn't work. She said that she wanted to try and see how we did has boyfriend and girlfriend. I laughed again and said, "ok let's sleep on it and I'll see you tomorrow." Because we had already planned another activity. That night was one of the worst nights of my life to date. I couldn't sleep I was scared, because I knew I didn't like her like that and I didn't know how to tell her, more importantly I didn't know why I had no feelings at all. So the next day came and it was awkward and I told her after our date that I wasn't ready for a relationship yet, and I left it at that. It was this night on my drive home that the thought came to my mind, "you're gay, and you know it." <div>
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I had never ever thought of this. I was 21 not some teenager going through puberty. I had never looked at a guy and thought wow what a beautiful man. But as I drove home that night scenarios of my life began to flash through my mind and I finally started to realize why I had never kissed a girl. I realized I wasn't physically attracted to them and that I was indeed attracted to the male physique. I began to realize that when I looked at an attractive guy growing up I often tried to replicate the look, style or activity. Whatever it was, I was trying to look like the person I found attractive. And the rest is history. </div>
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I still sometimes think that I am not gay and that it was a simple thought that my mind became obsessed with and the obsession has grown into a way of life. I have talked with my bishop (past bishop) about it and that was an interesting conversation that needs much more time than I have tonight. Regardless, I don't look at a particular even that made me gay, but I do vividly remember the first time I thought it. I don't blame anybody or anything, I just need to decide what to do now. Until then I'll run.</div>
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<br /></div>Trucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02209058113394941723noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8130707396444757705.post-46518786128761195532011-10-24T20:22:00.000-06:002011-10-24T20:22:05.203-06:00The BYU CrowdBeing the stalwart student that I am, I am delaying the homework to write a brief post. I have a confession. I finally summoned up the courage to go to the USGA meeting on BYU campus recently, and I have to say I was a bit disappointed. This could be because I sat in the back and didn't talk to anyone and left early. Maybe I went on a bad day and need to give it another chance but I don't know. All that happened was a recap of random news stories on gay topics and some more random youtube videos. Now, I don't know what normally goes on but I don't think I can take that kind of time out of my schedule to do a review of the weeks news with commentary. I just don't think I'd fit in. I'm quite opinionated and it seemed like my opinion was starkly different than those in attendance. I know someone commented earlier about how they didn't think I was that different from other gay people, but from the ones I've met and talked to, I seem to be very unique. Don't get me wrong, I wish I had more things in common with my gay friends but so far I've come up empty handed.<div>
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I suppose this is what causes me the most grief of all. I wish I could find some guys here at BYU who liked to ski, exercise, fix cars etc. I wish I had friends that I could hang out with and not worry about what others may think. I know I'm not supposed to care what others think but while here at BYU I have no choice, I need friends that aren't going to out me. Maybe I'm not doing my part. Maybe I need to give people more of a chance and not stereotype people so quickly, so I'll try to do better. </div>Trucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02209058113394941723noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8130707396444757705.post-10352434808339588632011-10-24T00:34:00.003-06:002011-10-24T19:42:44.093-06:00Bishop, Dinner, Anger, DEFCON 2<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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A little introspection. Every-now-and-then I have those days where I just feel down. Today happened to be one such day. I've never been able to pin point why these feelings come on, the best I can figure is they occur much like my migraines, randomly yet oddly consistent. I suppose it began today at church. You see, I have been trying to meet with my bishop for the last few months and either he or I end up being out of town or sick, so our meeting has yet to happen. I decided this week that I was done trying, obviously some force greater than I doesn't want said meeting to happen. So I left it up to the bishop. He knows I've been trying to talk to him, and if he feels so impressed to invite me into his office i'll go, but until then I'm in this battle alone. That being said, I left church feeling a bit inconsequential, apparently God doesn't care that I'm trying to follow his gospel. (I know this isn't true but the thought frequently attempts to enter into my mind.) <br />
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Following church I made dinner for a few friends including my little sister. While eating I was surrounded by people and still felt quite alone. Next, I was invited to go watch a movie at my roommates fiancé's parents house with some other friends of ours. But that was the last thing I wanted. Who wants to go socialize with an engaged couple and girls your not interested in? Not me. So I stayed home and started watching a movie of my own. My depressed feelings quickly began to escalate to anger. I was getting mad, my heart was pounding and I just needed to hit something. My body kept telling me I had to run or I was going to hurt somebody or break something, but it was dark and I had just ate, surely I would vomit. So I did the next best thing. I did laundry, cleaned my room, and sacrificed some money to the iTunes Gods. It worked. I calmed myself down, and am feeling much better. My problems are not gone, I have just successfully beat them into submission once more. I worry that one of these days I wont' be able to subdue my feelings and I'll just snap, the idea of which keeps me constantly on edge and somewhat recluse. </div>
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I need a new constant in life. For the longest time my constant guiding star was the Church. When that began to dim it was family, followed by school and capping off at being gay. However, all of these defense systems are hitting DEFCON 2 and I don't know what will happen when they fail. I currently find myself living for the day the snow falls so I can loose myself on the ski slopes. But until then I will wait with all the patience I can muster for a north-star to appear.</div>
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<br /></div>Trucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02209058113394941723noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8130707396444757705.post-37396972249798911402011-10-20T00:47:00.000-06:002011-10-20T00:53:33.142-06:00Hope It WorksI have many thoughts bombarding my already war-torn mind, so that last few nights I have retired to the trenches early. I have a handful of posts that I have started and have yet to finish, and honestly probably won't, but they were great contemplating tools. My thoughts, as of late, are rarely completed before a new idea begins, it's quite taxing. So in an effort to calm my mind I've been pondering this, consider the Following:<br />
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I love motors, I have worked on them since I was a little boy. You see, they are quite simple. In order to function properly a motor needs spark, fuel-air mixture, and compression, if you achieve all of these you've got high octane fun! I count myself as quite handy around cars, and as a result I'm automatically a cheap college students first resort when their car decides to go on a unscheduled hiatus. As my friend's did today. So what did I do? I took work off early and spent 3 hours and 3 trips to Auto-zone fixing her angsty Honda Accord. Now it runs like a champ, and I'm better friends with Auto-zone guy, who was not attractive by the way, slightly disappointing. <br />
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If only my internal combustion and timing could be harmonized with 3 hours and a local auto parts store. But, no such luck. However, I learned a valuable lesson today. When diagnosing my friends car, I immediately thought it was a specific faulty part. But convinced myself otherwise because it is a part that rarely needs replacing, so instead I replaced three other parts before finding the one that actually proved to be faulty. If I would have followed my gut in the beginning the project would have only taken 30 minutes max. But, in the processes other problems were fixed and regular tune-up type actions were done. Her car now runs smoother and more efficiently than it would have if I had just replaced the specific part.<br />
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I bring this up, because often our struggles in the church are centered around something we know is broken. [Not claiming that if your gay your broken, just roll with this]. So what do we do? We fix that part of us, but soon find that is was only a temporary fix or it propagated another problem previously unidentified or ignored. What if we spent less effort trying to repair our obvious defects and worked more on a spiritual tune-up. Work backwards. I understand this is somewhat of an unconventional method but maybe we can learn something from the angsty Accord I encountered this afternoon. For example I often find myself not enjoying church, not reading my scriptures regularly, struggling with my daily prayers, and finding excuses to avoid FHE and other church activities. As a consequence I'm alienated from members of my ward and my leaders. So what am I going to do about it? I'm going to be a better friend and neighbor to those in my ward, which in turn will make FHE more enjoyable, which will help me be less bitter towards church in general, which will make scripture study and prayer more applicable in my life etc etc etc. You get the point.<br />
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Now that I think of this, there are several programs that function this way (missionary work). Simply put, work on bettering the system as whole not just one aspect. We have a phrase in economics that says self-reinforcing effects generate extreme outcomes. So, what this means is I need to do something in my life that will bring about personal change that in turn will generate more change, almost effortlessly. That's how an efficient economy works so I simply need to identify my personal self-reinforcing effects. To a person dealing with homosexuality in the Church, these could be; befriending your church leaders, voluntarily attending institute, contribute in church meetings, and I'm sure there are many others but I'll let you decide what is best for you. I'm not suggesting that this will make our relationship with the church any stronger, I'm simply suggesting it will make it more pleasant. If you want to be a part of the church, which I guess most BYU students do, but find it increasingly more difficult to get excited about it, this process may help you. I think it will help me, and I'll be sure to let you know how it goes.<br />
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Although, much more time consuming, this method can bring the desired results more permanently than the quick and dirty fix. It will hopefully give you more time and mental bandwidth needed to address the larger problems that find us in life, and hopefully your thoughts will become less scrambled and you will stress less about the little things.Trucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02209058113394941723noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8130707396444757705.post-86882194642281501352011-10-17T01:20:00.002-06:002011-10-17T01:20:21.252-06:00Why God Still Loves Me<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Today while exceeding the speed limit to a degree that some would call reckless I was reminded that God still loves me. This epiphany didn't occur because of a near-death experience or a close call of any sort, I couldn't have been happier. Partly because I was joyriding but mostly because I finally picked up on a message the Big-Man had been trying to send me for some time.<br />
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I know my circumstances sometimes get me down and frustrated. Today I realized that God didn't care if I was gay or straight, big or small, fat or skinny, or gorgeous. He just loves me for existing. After all he did create me after his own image and likeness with expert care and attention. It's like a grandma who hangs up a page of scribbled lines because her granddaughter said it was a picture of them holding hands. To the rest of the world the picture is ugly, uninteresting, and a waste of precious fridge space, but to grandma it is the most precious piece of art in her home. That, my friends, is why God loves me. Because he has a perspective that no one else has. He knows and understands me in ways that no one will ever come close to. My life of scribbled chaos is appreciated and priceless to him. So today at 103 mph I was God's most precious piece of art on his fridge and I knew it.<br />
<br />Trucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02209058113394941723noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8130707396444757705.post-21598154661102475552011-10-12T01:36:00.003-06:002011-10-12T01:38:15.258-06:00I'm Here, Now What?Nobody tells me anything these days! I had to find out through the local news that today was National Coming Out day. Now I have to wait a whole year. Oh well, I'll get over it, I did however, almost give my blog address to my sister and a close friend, so that's got to count for something right? Or not, moving on.<br />
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Today was my return to full activity. I'm still sick, but I couldn't afford to miss anymore school and work. It wasn't all bad though, my friend took me out for soup for dinner and then my sister brought over more soup. During both soup encounters I was chastised for not telling them that I was sick, apparently there is some social memo I missed that states, "one will alert the presses and concerned parties when one is infirmed." Yep, missed that one, sorry friends. But it did help me realize today, that I have great friends. I really wish the could read this blog and know how much I appreciate them, it's kind of nice to have someone care about you. Which brings me to my next point.<br />
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So in a moment of boredom I found myself editing the style of my blog, which forced me to reread my subtitle. This reminded me I started this blog to share my perspective on things, particularly things that affect gay BYU students. So with out further ramblings the following is my perspective on dating guys/having a boyfriend/kissing etc etc etc while going to BYU.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBzXDiOZBDj7xM37V-xhHc-zM1Bw7PvEqUC0JrxMypIl7mUDjTP7g344a7f0BdgZdSKE7a0XvGAC0ryw2umX5VLbVS-UuetlCh5kiwroc1kLHZ3nPyNqZf2R0Fdh1OHG6EdScY_5pMzWo/s1600/byu-fans.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBzXDiOZBDj7xM37V-xhHc-zM1Bw7PvEqUC0JrxMypIl7mUDjTP7g344a7f0BdgZdSKE7a0XvGAC0ryw2umX5VLbVS-UuetlCh5kiwroc1kLHZ3nPyNqZf2R0Fdh1OHG6EdScY_5pMzWo/s400/byu-fans.jpg" width="306" /></a>Technically should you do it? No, the Honor Code says so. But I go on man-dates all the time with my buds and have a good time. So why not go on a man-date with a man that happens to be gay? So let's just not call it a date and we are good. Personally I don't see anything wrong with this, honestly I wish it happened to me once or twice. So what happens when you go on a dates and start to like the individual. That's where it gets tough, is holding hands and kissing boys against the honor code? Very much so. So what do I think? Well. . . this is a tough question that requires some tough love. The honorable side of me says, no this is not ok, because you signed an agreement when you came to this university to live your life in harmony with the gospel. However, the lonely side of me may think technically I'm not breaking in commandments, so what's the big deal. If he makes me happy, why not? I think this is a personal endeavor and if you decide to walk that path you better have had a solid conversation with the man upstairs, because you're going to need a foundation of decision to walk on later. I feel if this is a conclusion you came to following your admittance to BYU you need to keep it low-key and within reason, because the environment of BYU is not one for you to disrespect. The university has no obligation to you or your choices if you choose to disobey the rules. So if you do decided to follow this path, don't expect the way to be easy. If you have made the decision to date men prior to coming to BYU I believe you should not come at all. You will be intentionally deceiving people from the start, and that is never an easy place to be.<br />
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I make the distinction between making the decision before or after coming BYU because I feel those of us who have recognized what being gay means and what role it may play in our life after coming to BYU should not have to switch schools, majors, jobs, or whatever else you have found for yourself because of this new life development. But, never should any student disrespect the gospel standards this institution stands for, that is being extremely selfish on your part. BYU has much to offer gay members of the church and we should take advantage of it while we are here, those who graduated BYU will bless the lives of many gay or straight.Trucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02209058113394941723noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8130707396444757705.post-36269381021637551362011-10-10T16:28:00.000-06:002011-10-10T16:28:02.010-06:00Off Balance<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Being gay is an exhausting charade. I know this isn't a new concept but it's all my brain seems to have been thinking about as of late. See, I've been sick the last couple of days and have been restricted to the couch or my bed. I've had nothing to do but think all weekend, this is a dangerous situation. So. . . I have been pondering about all the effort I put into balancing my life between school, work, church, and friends. Just thinking about it wears me out. I'm amazed at the things I do and say, that have little conviction behind them. It seems I'm trying so hard to balance everything that I'm missing out on everything going on around me. I wonder if people take me seriously or see right through me. I never have a personal conversation with people because I can't openly talk about my personal life. If someone asks how I am doing, I'm programmed to automatically respond, "good thanks." I have decided this isn't healthy. I'm going to do something about it. What I'm going to do is still up for debate, any suggestions?<br />
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I've often wondered if I was to meet some more gay people if I would open up and let my self have fun. I don't think I would because I would continue to be worried that somehow, someone I know would find out. I also face the dilemma of finding gay people that I would enjoy hanging out with. I'm definitely the white sheep in a rainbow flock when it comes to the gay crowd. So what do I do to become more sincere in my ways. I care about people, and enjoy getting to know them, but it feels superficial when I refuse to let them get to know me. I grasp the fact that there is more to me than the fact that I like guys, but really, how close can you let people get before they figure that out? No one in my life has crossed that line yet.<br />
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Recently I was told to loose myself in the service of others. This is a great plan but with one weakness. I would serve as a ghost, no one would know who I really am and everybody would be content with that. I would find myself in the same situation I'm attempting to escape.<br />
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Oh well, enough ranting. I'm going to start with deprogramming my automatic responses. When someone asks me how I'm doing I'll respond with something I can be confidant in. Or when someone tries to get to know me better, I'll let them. The less things I have to balance the better chance I have staying up right.<br />
<br />Trucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02209058113394941723noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8130707396444757705.post-68438848489314559352011-10-06T19:08:00.000-06:002011-10-06T19:08:04.106-06:00Bless the Sky SpiritsIt snowed in Provo today! I can't wait until ski season begins. I love skiing more than most things in life, which can be potentially harmful in social situations I've discovered, but that's not important right now. What is important is that there is snow up on them ther hills, and it's got me all in the mood, I may just go put my ski boots on and stare out the window.Trucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02209058113394941723noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8130707396444757705.post-32977746763751566352011-10-05T23:55:00.000-06:002011-10-05T23:58:33.008-06:00The Gay Tax CreditToday a I learned of the so called, "Fat Tax." Apparently the higher-ups in our country are attempting to impose a tax on high-fat foods. This is a bad idea. First of all, I love fat! The football shaped Oreos I had today were amazing and I'd be very upset if I was unable to eat them at my leisure. I'm a student of economics and I understand the reasoning of the government. Raise the marginal cost of an activity and the marginal benefit gets smaller, blah blah blah. We get it. But really? Is it gonna work? I think not, Oreos are too gosh darn delicious and if they cost me 12 cents more, those 12 cents are coming out of my vegetable fund, because those marginal benefits are already lacking and I want Oreos! Now imagine the passion of a 300 lbs moody woman who wants her bacon? Frightening, I know. All this is going to do is raise crime because the marginal benefits of bacon are far greater than that of robbing the local 7-11. <br />
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I propose the Gay Tax Credit. Such a credit would give gay individuals a tax break for liking men. Think about it, we are doing the government and the people of this fine nation a service. We are saving them the trouble of having to pretend to like us. What if they just gave the gay friendlies a tax perk, and in return we'd stop all the underwear parades. Oh better yet, have congress vote on the either the Gay Tax Credit or Gay rights, now that would be a conundrum. <br />
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Anyway, moving on. Clearly I'm being a bit satirical. Recently in my religion class and during General Conference, all I seemed to hear were the benefits of not being gay. Every talk seemed to translate into just that, as if to entice me to change my mind. I kept hearing, "you could be this if your weren't gay"or "look what you could have if you start liking girls." Unfortunately team it is not that easy. The world could raise the marginal cost of being gay, and I'd probably stay in the closet forever, or they could lower the marginal cost and raise the benefit (see proposed Gay Tax Credit above) and I'd still probably stay in the closet. Because I don't care what everybody else thinks. I care about what I think.<br />
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The problem is there. I care what I think about myself, I care how I feel about being gay, and currently that is up for debate. The cursed fates just mess with me. Whenever I think I have my life figured out they throw off the planetaria alignment and disrupt my mojo. Rude. I hope one day to understand myself and the complexities within in me. This post represents that, an attempt to sort out my inner thoughts and see what drives me. But for some reason all I can think about are the football Oreos in my kitchen.Trucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02209058113394941723noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8130707396444757705.post-85432591188697643952011-10-04T01:13:00.001-06:002011-10-04T01:14:31.341-06:00The Benefits of Being Angry At the WorldBYU is a joy! I really enjoy it here, I wouldn't trade it for anything of equal or lesser value, that's for sure. But I always hear of people who aren't enjoying their time here, be they frustrated, depressed, anxious, shy, or angry at the world. I wish those people were easier to spot, I'd really like to help. I'm a friendly guy and I like to think most people find me pleasant to be around. I think I could help in some small fashion.<br />
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After all, many times I have had thoughts that threaten to put me in one of those categories, mainly angry at the world, but I mange to survive. Why do people allow themselves to be like that? [I understand some have legitimate mental difficulties that limit this process and they are excused from this discussion] Just smile. Maybe you are a bit over weight, maybe you aren't as smart as your roommate, maybe you're not as good looking as the Californian down the row, or heck maybe you gay! Whatever the reason it's no justification to limit your self worth. I'll have you know I like you just the way you are. If you want to change something about yourself I'll be there encouraging you the entire way. Maybe the lame show, The Green Lantern got something right, perhaps one of the most powerful forces in the universe is your own will. I think it is. No one can stop you, not even yourself if your will is supporting you. <br />
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If you find yourself thinking you are a lost cause, or you're so low that Moby Dick is blocking your sunlight close your eyes for a while and when you open them realize you are in a place that offers you more than you can possibly handle. Your inner self will speak to you I promise. Maybe it will say, "self, you should go play frisbee," or, "self, you keep telling yourself to do that, so do it!" That's your will, follow it and you'll be surprised where it will lead you. That's a promise.Trucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02209058113394941723noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8130707396444757705.post-42157232397426651832011-09-28T23:15:00.002-06:002011-09-28T23:17:12.270-06:00I Want To Buy a Diamond RingMy best friend is proposing to his girlfriend tomorrow. It is an elaborate scheme which is guaranteed to bring all parties involved to tears. Except me, I don't cry, ever. I'm happy for him, it's an exciting step in his life. <br />
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Marriage is doctrinal benchmark most LDS men anxiously look forward to. All the advice and teachings we receive here at BYU are centered around the life changing event of marriage. We are all promised a happiness we can not yet imagine, a love that can withstand the strongest of trials, a life with children that will make us forever stronger in the gospel, a closer relationship with our Father in Heaven and his Son, and most importantly, a place in the celestial kingdom. It sounds exciting, I can't wait!<br />
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Oh right, what about me? What about the fat kid and fat-camp that didn't loose any weight? Is he doomed to a diet of twinkies, bacon, and cake for the rest of his gluttonous life? Maybe he can try again next year at Camp Cupcake-Light. Nope, the chances of him seeing his toes again are getting smaller every time he tries [OK that's the end of the fat kid analogy, although I could keep this going a while!]<br />
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It's true isn't it? Each time I try and make an effort to date girls and do what my Priesthood leaders counsel me to do, I fall farther from the goal. I get more frustrated, I get angry, and I give up for the next six months. We can always hope that maybe the right girl will come around, smack me up-side the face, and say, marry me you handsome beast you, and it will work out just fine. But that hasn't happened yet. Instead I sit on the sidelines helping everybody else with their amazing proposal, smiling at those that say, "someday you'll be doing this!" or "you just wait!" And that's exactly what I will do, wait for that time that I fear will never come, and pretend it doesn't bother me.<br />
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Do I sound bitter? I may, because I might be slightly irked that I don't see any point in the near future where I get to buy a beautiful diamond ring, get down on one knee, and pop the question and watch the reaction of someone who loves me more than anything say, "YES!" Could I find a guy to share that with? I'm sure I can. But, it's not the same. A gay marriage will never bring the same social and religious excitement a traditional marriage would. It would be like the fat kid graduating fat camp because they didn't want him to feel bad and fall into a comatose depression, it's just not the same.<br />
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But! no worries, I love my life, and enjoy every day of it. There are many exciting things in my future I'm sure, sometimes I just complain for the sake of complaining. You know, I complain whens it's hot, I complain when it's cold, I complain when it rains, smells, when i'm tiered, or when i'm gay. It's nothing new, I don't expect it to help or change the way I feel, it's just fun to complain. So thanks for reading you all are champions!<br />
<br />Trucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02209058113394941723noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8130707396444757705.post-53523926716729746772011-09-27T20:32:00.000-06:002011-09-27T20:33:46.677-06:00The Title Says It AllI wrote this post almost a year ago and just discovered it in my archives. I found I have maintained the opinions expressed below.<br />
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[DISCLAIMER: The following is written with the assumption that the modal temptation for gay LDS men is sex, including all facets.]<br />
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The band All Time Low inspired the title of this humble blog. Their song <i><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J607D9SpSW8">Poison</a> </i>contains the line , "I've got a road, and it leads to decadence." It has become a favorite of mine, the phrase, not the song. Although, the song contains a message I find myself relating to more frequently than I care to recall.<br />
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As I have become more aware of my homosexuality I have been introduced to temptations of varying types and severity. When sixteen and sitting in Priests quorum I never conceived I would encounter such thoughts as these, nor did I expect them to frequently re-assert themselves into my life once I had. Do I sound bitter? Because I'm not. Do I feel I have it more difficult than others do in this life? Surly not. Do I believe I have a deeper perspective on righteousness and wickedness than those who need only postpone intimacy for a brief engagement? I do. (no pun intended, but secretly appreciated) Notice I said deeper perspective not understanding. Now, I understand that statement falls short of grammar rule, but let me explain. I don't view my perspective deeper, simply because gay-guys don't have any more options in sin than straight-people do when it comes to life's choices. However, we do tend to have a vision that pierces the eternities and recalls the past when actions are mixed with Mormon doctrine. Consider this. You're faced with the opportunity to kiss a man knowing full well the 'road to decadence' that decision puts you on. Depending on your level of homeostatic thinking (see earlier post) you consider the consequences of your action. Then perhaps later, you consider your past choices that led up to this decision. What does that give you? A deeper perspective. Repeat the thought process multiple times and your an expert. [DISCLAIMER: I understand that the above method can be applied to any transgression of a gay or straight nature and need not be exclusive to sexual acts.]<br />
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While everyone faces the cause-and-effect thought chains I submit that gays, particularly LDS gays, deal with this at a far higher frequency then the general mormon population. And I have met, conversed with, heard of, and read about a number of gay mormons that do not handle this well. My question is why? The answer has far too many variables to be constrained to a mere blogpost, however I think we should all discover within ourselves just how far down that road we plan on traveling. [DISCLAIMER last one: These feelings will be exponentially worse when comparing a closeted individual to someone who has decided to live an open gay lifestyle.]<br />
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I hope this is understandable and you (the virtual masses) do not write me off as an infant, naive to this way of thinking. Honestly it took some mental kneading to put it into words, and I'm confident I did it little justice, but at least it helped me. Yes, I'm claiming self betterment on this grossly opaque post. If it offends just skip over it as it was not intended to sway anyones way of thinking, merely to express mine. What was the point? In short I attempted to explain why I gave my blog the above name suggesting that just because we are gay that doesn't give us merit to become immoral and irresponsible, instead we should be more understanding, kind, and patient with those who find themselves on different roads.Trucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02209058113394941723noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8130707396444757705.post-61493835614493547942011-09-27T00:14:00.000-06:002011-09-27T00:14:01.445-06:00Why I'm Not FATI run a lot. So much so, people worry. They question my sanity, health, and basic cognitive capabilities. Usually people look at me much like a child looks at broccoli when they first hear of my exercise habits. When I meet, shall we say, less enthusiastic runners the conversation generally goes something like this:<br />
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Concerned citizen: "How far did you run?"<br />
Me: "Oh, about 10 miles."<br />
Surprised citizen: "Woah. . .uh. . .Why?!"<br />
Me: "That's all I had time for" (I've perfected this response)<br />
Shocked citizen: "How long does it take you?"<br />
Me: "About 1 hour 15 minutes."<br />
Baffled citizen: "Gross, why?!"<br />
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etc. etc. etc. It's a vicious cycle.<br />
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While the exclamatory is almost certain to change the general reaction is quite the same. Even my family who is accustom to my running still occasionally gives me the child-broccoli stare. So why do I run? It's simple. When I was a young hormonal teenager I learned that exercise was supposed be a great channel for that pubescent frustration. So thats what I did, I ran. As I grew older and teenage angst turned into outright sexual tension I ran further and faster, yet still on my mission I found more events that left me running with my companions following on bike or in the car. And when I returned home my inability to find girls attractive turned me into a running machine. I ran everyday, regardless of the weather or temperature, I was nearly struck by lightning, run over on several occasions, bit by dogs, lost in the mountains, stranded without water, and much more exciting events found their way littered throughout my daily runs. Let's think for a moment, what else would make you barf in the middle of the road, crap your pants, and run till you experience hematuria? The correct answer is, homosexuality. Yes, running was and still is the way I deal with it. So when people ask me why I run I would love to yell, "BECAUSE I'M GAY!" Instead I leave them perplexed with just a shrug and smile.Trucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02209058113394941723noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8130707396444757705.post-5036835291183203022011-09-26T12:49:00.000-06:002011-09-26T12:49:41.995-06:00And We're Back, Well MaybeIt's been a while since I have posted. In fact I had to break into my own blog because I couldn't remember my login info, but alas I am back. For those of you just joining us, or those of you who forgotten all about me and am surprised when this shows up on your updated blog listings, here is the rundown. Last semester ended well, the summer was a party (I still have my tan) this semester is crazy, and yes I'm still gay. <div><br />
</div><div>At least I think so.</div><div><br />
</div><div>Today, was a first. OK not actually a first but it's been a while. I thought to myself, "maybe I can date and marry a girl." It was a strange feeling and a thought I haven't put much effort into for quite a while. The issue has been weighing on my mind all day (the whole past 3 hours) so I started thinking what I would have to do to make that happen. I quickly overheated my brain with this new avenue of development that I have paused to write.</div><div><br />
</div><div>I came home after class, which is odd because I usually go to work and started to look at some old blogs that I remember reading. In the coming days I hope to yarf up my thoughts in some organized manner on this blog for the masses to read, but let's be honest it's mostly for me to read, because shoot I read some of my old posts and I crack myself up! Especially the one I never published. Anyway, moving one. As I get older and more mature in my BYU career the push for marriage and blissful courtship is regularly invading my personal space. My mother, my professors, my friends, my boss, my other boss, some random lady who i've never met told me to get married as I ran by the temple, oh and did I mention my Mother? Seriously, tact has left the building and random people are just yelling at me, "hey you get married already!" Sometimes I wish I could say, "The prophet told me not too!" Just to watch their reaction. But that's not gonna happen anytime in the near-ish future. I'm still my closeted little self who is seen as the person who spends all his time on school and high-octane adrenaline sports, clearly I don't have time for women. Yes, I am the one President Monson was talking to when he was addressing those young men who are going on extravagant vacations and buying expensive toys instead of ushering the beautiful young ladies to the alter in droves. </div><div><br />
</div><div>In short, I'm back to the blogging world hoping that it helps me sort the various "files of important things" I have created in my head. So saddle up!</div>Trucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02209058113394941723noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8130707396444757705.post-50954553832484566662011-02-08T22:46:00.002-07:002011-02-08T23:08:07.681-07:00Y WriteMy freshman writing class had a text book entitled <i>Why Write? </i> I found the sample essays and excerpts interesting and intriguing. I enjoy writing, I always have, and this book helped me become a better writer (which may or may not be present in the posts of this fascinating blog) but I'm having an internal debate on whether my Y writing [Y writing = experiences at BYU] is beneficial. Granted being a closeted gay student at the Y is not without it's challenges but I'm not sure my blog is helping. <br />
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I find I dwell far more on my gay thoughts and feelings throughout the day, especially when I blog about them. These feelings are accompanied by feelings of guilt, shame, anger, frustration and even hatred towards friends, family, school, the world, and myself. I have to ask myself is it worth it? I successfully buried these feelings for years, why don't I just keep doing that? Why do I have to tell my 11 followers what I think? No one really cares. I started this blog for me not for them, and currently it's not helping me at all.<br />
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Maybe it's just my time to face this issue in life. If it is I hope to finish this race under my own power. As for now, my mile 25 feeling has hit at mile 3. So for now I'm asking myself why write my Y write, it brings nothing but trouble. Perhaps one day, a metaphorical freshman will read my words and be inspired to do something positive because currently that's the only purpose I have for my writing. So this may be the end even though we just barely left the ground.Trucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02209058113394941723noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8130707396444757705.post-28722674591030159952011-02-02T23:21:00.003-07:002011-02-02T23:32:28.863-07:00Too Bad?I have a great religion class here on campus. I really enjoy it. Each day I walk out of that class inspired to be better and reach my full potential. Today as I was walking out of instruction my imagination was playing out my futuristic journey through life including such things I could do in the church, all the people I could help, and the happiness I could take part in. Then, that ever present fact barged into my imaginative production as I saw two individuals walking towards me, a guy and girl. They were not a couple, they weren't even walking next to each other. As I approached them my inner self said, "too bad you're more attracted to that [staring at the cute guy walking by] instead of that [glancing at the girl]."<br />
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Score one for inner-self! Thanks for rewriting my already fictitious future, jerk. Without more thought my excitement from religion class was gone and I was left walking in the freezing tundra that is Utah. As I sat in my next class, which was not as interesting as the current turn of events in my cranium, I thought, "too bad? Am I really worse off than some straight dude?" I refused to accept this. I don't have it all planned out, and I don't know how it will work, but I fail to see how I have any less potential than he who is a lover of women. Is it possible to have happiness equal to that experienced by a married couple, while being single? I sure hope so. I trust my portion of happiness will find me regardless of my non-exsistant relationships. It may be in another form and variety but it will come. And it will come to you too as long as you don't let your self repeatedly play the "too bad" card on your deck of life.<br />
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[DISCLAIMER: Today was actually a great day, I thoroughly enjoyed it. My inner-gay turmoil somehow seems to function on a different level that does not directly affect my current state of being. Weird, I know, it baffles my friends, but such is a day in the life of Ike.]Trucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02209058113394941723noreply@blogger.com0